Amber’s Attempt at Adulting

I think that the entire reason I worked to get my degree was to fight my imposter syndrome.

I had to achieve a bachelors of fine arts from a state university before I could really say that I’m an artist.

Now I don’t believe that for other people… not in the least. Anyone can be an artist.

I guess the difference is that I know where I came from. “i’m polished white trash“ I just always joke. Maybe i’ve been recycled.

I think I needed that stupid piece of paper to take myself seriously. So now I can really say it. I am a trained artist!

But it feels strange; I wish it were more comfortable.

Maybe I’ll grow into it.

Is not the thought I want to have while wearing a menstrual cup and no panties.

Each clear, fine night the Moon glows her bright beaming reflection onto the surface of the Sea. Most nights the Sea gleams the light back and they quietly smile & whisper to one another.

But the Sea isn’t steady like the Moon. The Moon is older and wiser than the Sea. She already knows her importance and place on high. The unruly Sea tosses and turns, ever changing and feeling like she is too much for this world, too watery, too deep. This troubles the Moon.

Wanting to keep her companion shining too, the Moon takes a great, deep breath and inhales a passing Cloud; when she blows it out, the Sea swirls beneath her feeling dizzy and moved. As the Moon exhales the Cloud forms a dense, heavy, warm Fog.

And it is fate; the Fog loves the Sea. She recognizes herself in the Sea. And the Sea feels at peace and seen in the Fog. The Fog listens more closely and holds the Sea ever nearer; cheek to cheek they sway until the Sun rises and they can hold each other no more.

Each day the Sea waits for her lover to hold her ever near. And the Moon smiles.

Love of my life

what happened?

why us?

what did we do?

could it be true?

are we the special few? 

are we the lucky ones?

“I’ll respect your opinion until it disrespects someone’s existence.”

“The place you suffer is the exact place you care desperately.” -Susan Cain TED 2019

How do you possess the universe in your eyes? Those glowing marbles beaming up at me.

Ocean filled fractions of blue light shining on and seeing through all that I am and ever will be.

It should not feel uncomfortable when my mom texts me “i miss you” but it does. Because she loves me, but doesn’t like me as a person.

Beautiful you, full of grace and good, makes the sun rise each morning with a brighter, softer glow.

I love you more than flours in the cakes

I love you sweeter than honey the bees make

I love you brighter than rays of the sun

I love you further than motors run

I love you bigger than the universe expands

I love you countless as all the grains of sand

I love you up, i love you down.

i love you together, and when no one is around.

I love you big, I love you wide.

I love you fearlessly, i love you with pride.

I love you now, I love you then.

I’ll love you even when this world ends.

My soul will know yours, wherever we land.

Even in the next galaxy, I’ll be holding your hand.

I avoid discussing issues that I have with my mother because I know that I may say things to hurt her feelings.

But she isn’t going to read this anyways and it’s cathartic for me.

So I’m not going to hold back anymore.

My mom is a bad mom, not a bad person.

My mom is a bad mom, not a bad person.

My mom is a bad mom, not a bad person.

I swear that I can see the glow of the moonlight in your eyes.

“The truth only hurts when it should.” -LA

How bold & brave to be so full of love that it’s overflowing.

Fearless and free from the well within me… pouring gulps of my soul into your eager open mouth, I pray. Into your broad, bright, beautiful smile I free fall.

Blue starlight shines over flecks of gold dancing in your eyes as they meet mine.

I never knew being brave could be so easy.