Amber Attempting to Adult

I am not a fan of small talk or superficial niceties. I like to converse in a manner that bears the soul; pleasantries slowly sink me.

All of this chaos makes me hopeful because change is uncomfortable and necessary.

The world is in turmoil. We’ve been locked in our homes for so long that we had no choice but to look inward. And we weren’t happy with what we saw.

Children are being gunned down in school. People of color are being murdered without warning or reason. Militarized police brutalize those they are sworn to protect. Suicides rates are at an all time high, especially in teens.

All over the home of the free, people are caged by their own fear. The land of the brave is led by a cowardly Cheetos dust covered fool spewing lies. And half of the nation is gobbling it up.

Change is on the horizon. The phoenix must first burn in order to rise from the ashes.

Why is it so fucking hard to believe in magic?

Well fam, this isn’t a movie. And we don’t always get the results that we hoped to have. But we do always get the results that we need. I feel like life works out how it’s supposed to one way or the other.

I made myself vulnerable and was met with a ghost. I opened myself up to someone and and it didn’t pan out how I wanted. c’est la vie.

As long as I learn a lesson then it’s no love lost, right? I mean, I honestly barely knew the guy…but, he absolutely had my full attention. I mean, I could see serious potential. But alas, he did not. It’s been humbling for sure. I haven’t felt rejected like this since 9th grade when Eric Greene dumped me for Kala Crosby (and let’s be honest, that was much more emotionally tolling).

As weird and bad as it feels, it’s almost refreshing. It’s nice to know that I can romantically care about someone else. There was a time when I didn’t think anyone else would ever get the chance to hurt me; I thought I was stuck in purgatory living the same pain over and over. Hell, it’s refreshing to feel new & different pain. It’s even been nice to miss someone else regardless of how minor.

So to be better in the future, I will be more cautious with my words. I will try and be aware when I’m acting selfishly. I will not lash out as soon as I catch small feelings for someone in attempt to self sabotage. Lessons, I am learning lessons.

Dear Dave,

When I asked if I could apologize it was really for my own sake more than yours; I am in a phase of healing and self- discovery. I acted foolishly and I’d like to acknowledge it. Also, I am nearly impossible to shut up when I have something that I need to express. So here goes… regardless of if you read this or not, I will have said it and that is enough for me.

I am a mouthy woman. It’s debatably my best and worst quality.

After clearly expressing that you were having a bad day, I turned a chance to be understanding and supportive into a petty, selfish argument. I then immediately tried to shove you into the “FWB” zone knowing that neither you or I want that. I said that I didn’t feel “courted” when I was trying to say that actual time spent and physical contact is very important to me. I am worried that you were in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to wonder- much less have to ask- when is the next time I will see you.

After I was a raging cunt and then you ignored me for 24 hours, I deleted our whole strand of texts; all of those paragraphs of connection gone in a second. I had never been ghosted and knew that I would obsess over the level of insanity that I displayed. So I accepted that I messed up and it was over.

But then you responded.

As always, you were eloquent, kind, direct, but mostly honest. You were stern. You have healthy and real boundaries. You are not about unneeded drama. It makes you all the more the desirable. 

But I’ve already shown you my crazy and I think it may be too much for you. I hope not, but I really do understand if so. Even writing this; it’s just another crazy thing. But I am already pegged as a crazy, so what’s the harm? (maniacal laughter)

It’s been nine days since we spoke. I am being vulnerable. This is my Hail Mary; I am Heath Ledger singing “Can’t take my eyes off you” in 10 Things I Hate About You. I am Jim Carey running after the airplane in Liar Liar.

I like you and I am sorry.

-A

To Tyrell:

I have loved you like I have never loved another. For years I waited and waited on you to figure out your issues with addiction so that we could progress in our relationship. You won the battle against opiates and I will forever respect you for it. I have learned so much from you. You know most of the best and worst parts of me. I will always care for you and love your heart and soul. I will always wish the best for you. I will always be your friend. I will always be there if you need an ally.

The time has finally come for our paths to part. In the end, we want different things. I’m not endgame for you. Go find your, Rachel. I’ll find my Ross.

Sincerely,

Amber

_____________________________________________

 

Yo! I finally fucking did it!

I couldn’t change my mindset, so I changed my situation! Holy shit!

It wasn’t easy. It felt good, then bad, then good again, then awful, and now I can’t believe that it took me so damned long.

I could layer on some bullshit about how Ty and I didn’t communicate well… how we drifted apart. But that would be vague and unclear. And I’m a truth teller. So the truth is that he is in a sea of depression soaked whiskey, swirling down the drain of self-pity and isolation. He doesn’t think he wants any more kids unless it just happens and isn’t sure about marriage. I don’t want to “trap” someone into a future with me.  I don’t want a life pickled in a whiskey bottle. Then he had this weird almost kind of a thing with some lonely hoe and that was pretty much all she wrote. I knew I had to get out of there.

So I moved to the beach, getting closer to the ocean hoping that the salt air would dry the fresh wounds on my heart. 

I feel calmer now. I feel freer. I feel like I am getting back to the things that make me happy. I am gardening and organizing and painting furniture and walking my dog to the beach and spending time contemplating the meaning of life while staring out over the thundering ocean. I am painting my toenails once a week. I’m ingesting more water and fruits and veggies. I am living more. I am working harder. I am drinking less.

I am excited for all that is to come.

_____________________________________________

 

P.S. Ty considered cheating on me with a trash bag named Rachel (who knew me and acted kind to my face) right there at the end which is why the last line of my break-up note is so goddamned good to me and probably under-appreciated by you.

XX

 

I need to focus on my own demons.

I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and sloth and get motivated towards the future.

I need to let go of worry, anxiety, and self-defeating doubt.

I need to accept that failure is not only a possibly, but an inevitability.

I need to grasp that failure is no failure if I have grown and learned.

I need to breathe in the joy of life around me.

I need to remember that I am but one expression of the human experience.

I need to acknowledge that I am always both alone and in a crowd.

I need to absorb something good for my mind.

I need to move, groove and shake a little something on my body.

I need to appreciate my friends and family more.

I need to meditate on uplifting thoughts for my soul.

I need to put positive action into work.

I need to find something to give me back my spark for life.

I need some serious soul searching, therapy,  and meditation.