Amber Attempting to Adult

“What is your goal here?” I asked. “What results are you seeking?”

“I just want you to come to me for everything.”

What does it mean to live authentically?

i’m actually asking.

We tend to measure the value of our relationships by time.

If we spend a great length of time with someone, then the relationship must’ve been important or successful. In that same sentiment, if a relationship lasts for a short period, then it must hold less worth or be less valuable.

My baby soul sister, Bradi, is kind, deep, & wise far beyond her twenty-one earthly years. In fact, she has only been in my life for about one & a half years. Yet she has affected & changed me in so many positive and important ways.

One of the greatest golden nuggets of insight that she has ever bestowed was this: relationships, love & life are made of experiences. They are supposed to be temporary.

Part of the human condition is that it ends. All of it. And we never know when or how long we have.

So the important stuff boils down to: the moments that changed you, little lumps of collected minutes where joy shined from the inside, the times you were raw, honest, and vulnerable no matter the response, the times where you persevered through your fear and came out better for the effort: the experiences, no matter how fleeting.

I am salt.

I add flavor to just about anyone; I mix & mingle with ease.

Now don’t get used to me or you may want too much. And then you’ll end up bloated with high blood pressure.

You only need a dash because I can be overwhelming sometimes. But I’m a great addition to something savory and I’ll even enhance your sweetness.

But salt is a just seasoning & could never be sustenance.

Hindsight is 20/20 and 2020 has been pretty shitty all around, just like my attitude.

This blog is my safe space. It is not for considering your feelings. It is for expressing mine. If my feelings will impact yours, then avert your eyes because I will carelessly puke out a bit of honesty about myself without hesitation all over this page. This is your warning henceforth.

I think I have been drinking too much lately, forever seeking that familiar numbness. See, I fucking love self-sabotage; it is safer than actually trying and then failing.

Self-realization is such a bitch; in addition to being impatient and impulsive, it turns out that I am reactive and petty. When I feel triggered or neglected, I lash out in a negative manner. I look back, usually the next day (sometimes it takes me two days) and feel so ashamed. Then I spiral overthinking about everything that I did and said. Isn’t that so healthy?

Too hot. Too cold.

Love is never goldilocks.

Lonely winter won’t wait.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t have trust to give yet. I’m moody and unsure…maybe even insecure about nothing & everything all at once.

How deep is your patience?

I am jaded at the thought of love. So much that I’m not even sure if it is something that I want anymore, at least not romantically. I have the real enduring love of my friends and family. Partners & lovers of the sort are just waiting to disappoint.

I’ve never had a young soul, but now my heart and mind have both slightly aged as well. There are hints of real wisdom starting to form. I can’t full-heartedly throw myself onto a situation like I did in my youth. I now belong to me first. I want to belong to me first; I lost myself before when I didn’t.

I am not a fan of small talk or superficial niceties. I like to converse in a manner that bears the soul; pleasantries slowly sink me.

All of this chaos makes me hopeful because change is uncomfortable and necessary.

The world is in turmoil. We’ve been locked in our homes for so long that we had no choice but to look inward. And we weren’t happy with what we saw.

Children are being gunned down in school. People of color are being murdered without warning or reason. Militarized police brutalize those they are sworn to protect. Suicides rates are at an all time high, especially in teens.

All over the home of the free, people are caged by their own fear (not to mention the literal children in cages at the border). The land of the brave is led by a cowardly Cheetos dust colored fool spewing lies and hate. And half of the nation is gobbling it up.

Change is on the horizon. The phoenix must first burn in order to rise from the ashes.

Why is it so fucking hard to believe in magic?

Well fam, this isn’t a movie. And we don’t always get the results that we hoped to have. But we do always get the results that we need. I feel like life works out how it’s supposed to one way or the other.

I made myself vulnerable and was met with a ghost. I opened myself up to someone and and it didn’t pan out how I wanted. c’est la vie.

As long as I learn a lesson then it’s no love lost, right? I mean, I honestly barely knew the guy…but, he absolutely had my full attention. I mean, I could see serious potential. But alas, he did not. It’s been humbling for sure. I haven’t felt rejected like this since 9th grade when Eric Greene dumped me for Kala Crosby (and let’s be honest, that was much more emotionally tolling).

As weird and bad as it feels, it’s almost refreshing. It’s nice to know that I can romantically care about someone else. There was a time when I didn’t think anyone else would ever get the chance to hurt me; I thought I was stuck in purgatory living the same pain over and over. Hell, it’s refreshing to feel new & different pain. It’s even been nice to miss someone else regardless of how minor.

So to be better in the future, I will be more cautious with my words. I will try and be aware when I’m acting selfishly. I will not lash out as soon as I catch small feelings for someone in attempt to self sabotage. Lessons, I am learning lessons.

Dear Dave,

When I asked if I could apologize it was really for my own sake more than yours; I am in a phase of healing and self- discovery. I acted foolishly and I’d like to acknowledge it. Also, I am nearly impossible to shut up when I have something that I need to express. So here goes… regardless of if you read this or not, I will have said it and that is enough for me.

I am a mouthy woman. It’s debatably my best and worst quality.

After clearly expressing that you were having a bad day, I turned a chance to be understanding and supportive into a petty, selfish argument. I then immediately tried to shove you into the “FWB” zone knowing that neither you or I want that. I said that I didn’t feel “courted” when I was trying to say that actual time spent and physical contact is very important to me. I am worried that you were in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to wonder- much less have to ask- when is the next time I will see you.

After I was a raging cunt and then you ignored me for 24 hours, I deleted our whole strand of texts; all of those paragraphs of connection gone in a second. I had never been ghosted and knew that I would obsess over the level of insanity that I displayed. So I accepted that I messed up and it was over.

But then you responded.

As always, you were eloquent, kind, direct, but mostly honest. You were stern. You have healthy and real boundaries. You are not about unneeded drama. It makes you all the more the desirable. 

But I’ve already shown you my crazy and I think it may be too much for you. I hope not, but I really do understand if so. Even writing this; it’s just another crazy thing. But I am already pegged as a crazy, so what’s the harm? (maniacal laughter)

It’s been nine days since we spoke. I am being vulnerable. This is my Hail Mary; I am Heath Ledger singing “Can’t take my eyes off you” in 10 Things I Hate About You. I am Jim Carey running after the airplane in Liar Liar.

I like you and I am sorry.

-A