From the bottom of this hole in the ground

I still remember how the light looks.

In the past, I have forgotten. Hiding myself away for so long that the glow seems foreign and almost painful.

But I haven’t been in the dark so long this time… I must beware; I don’t want to forget & lose it again.

Revealed

Sometimes it physically hurts my heart when people show me who they really are inside… because I genuinely believe the absolutely best of most.

I take people at their word.

I know it seems naïve, but the sentiment behind it is this: people demonstrate if they are worthy of trust sooner when they don’t have to “earn it”.

It’s not fool proof and I can’t even say that it works well, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and know no other way.

The Shitshow

I haven’t been writing; I have been in a fog.

My mind is hazy. My brain & heart feel disconnected from each other.

It’s all I can do to just exist right now.

But that really isn’t enough in the present moment… There is too much to do.

And so this little clown juggles, forcing a smile, standing on one leg, and holding my breath.

What will I drop and shatter this time?

My Material is My Muse

Ceramic is both a permanent substance that lasts thousands of years and a fragile form that can be shattered in seconds.

Working in this medium embodies all four elements; it is literally the earth, saturated with water, as you control the amount or air, and then fire to make the clay turn to ceramic.

It is both temporary and forever.

Those days

Some days are so exceptionally wonderful that I wish I could bottle up those feelings and save them for the hard times…

Yesterday was one of those joyful days full of friendship, sunshine, fresh fruit on the beach, belly aching laughter, delectable tacos, good weed, and the salty sea.

Some days I am more blessed than I deserve.

Big Blue, my old friend

Every year on this day, the Big Blue grabs a hold of me.

When the accident happened, I didn’t know him at all. I was young, and though traumatized in my own right, he was unfamiliar. He didn’t introduce himself very well; he didn’t tell me that he came to stay… maybe that was a part of his plan… but it took literal years to accept him as part of me while learning how to starve him off and escape his weighty grasp.

Once I finally found a way to cope, I could basically put him off until I couldn’t anymore.

Around her birthday, he would start pulling on my pants leg. For the next five or six weeks, I would drag him around everywhere I went. Then, every 24th of March, he would finally take over and wrap me tightly in his arms, stroking me with The Big Hurt.

And like the ghost of Christmas past, he would make me relive that fateful day step by step.

It was a shitty Monday, but I was in a good mood. In my cubicle. Then my boss’s office. There was an accident. They need me at home. The car ride. My grandma’s house. So many people. Familiar faces wrinkled, red, and coated in tears.

Then my mother.

My broken mother.

My weeping, wailing aching mother.

Finally, the waves came- crashing one after another: pain, numbness, pain. And I drowned.

By the time Blue & I walked that old familiar road together for the 7th or 8th time, I stopped being afraid.

The weight of fighting him while carrying him around made my soul sore. But once I learned to accept him & let him be, he came to me more gently. And he leaves me now, for longer and longer each visit…

But these days, I have learned to wait for him; I expect him, I allow him. On her b-day, on her d-day, on holidays, when the clock says 12:34, or when a butterfly or bird flies just a little too close, I see her. And I feel him.

But I know him now. And I’ve learned to sit with him in the stillness. And he keeps her close.

Knives

“when you aren’t fed love from a silver spoon, you’ll learn to lick it off of knives“

-unknown

I just needed to put this somewhere to read again in the future while remembering that growing up, I did not have a close example for how a healthy, enduring romantic love should behave.

But now I am 31, for chrissakes!

Over the years, I have been teaching myself what boundaries are, how to maintain my codependent tendencies, & healthy ways to deal with stress. I have a long way to go, but I have come so far.

I am both tougher and more tender for it all. I am manifesting the love of my life. I am becoming the woman that my partner deserves. I am learning that I don’t have to lick knives. I can have a silver spoon, too.

I mean, I think.

I believe…

Or is it foolish to still be so full of hope?

Energy & Emotions

Holy shit: I think I hurt my own feelings more than anyone else ever could.

Why am I weak like this?! Why don’t I have better control of my emotions!?!

I am an empath!! Fuck!! Emotions are my currency!!

I must learn to master who & what does & does not warrant a reaction.

It’s all part of learning to protect & direct my energy.

Legacy

I don’t want my children to be my legacy.

I want them to have an opportunity to create their own path and leave their own mark on the world.

I think that is why I have waited; I sought to find my own purpose so that I could be fulfilled in myself before starting a family. 

Ideal

My ideal partner will be one that I can call halfway through the day & say

“Babe, I started my period…”

and he or she will automatically know that means a couple of things:

  1. I need extra love and affection this week.
  2. because I am extra sensitive. (<———-and I am already a sensitive bitch)
  3. Chocolate is a really good idea.
  4. Wine is an even better idea. (Currently, a bottle of Michael David Petite Petit hits the spot). Cure the big red with a bottle of red…right?

Sigh…Just dreaming into the abyss again…

Astrological Pussy

I received this meme yesterday and laughed out loud. Then I started thinking, the OP may be onto something…

Bitches that think astrology is real either:

a.) believe they are witches

b.) are total potheads

or

c.) a combination of both

In other words she either:

a.) secretly has him bewitched on that pussy magick

b.) coughs & kegels all day long giving reason for the term gorilla grip

or

c.) a combination of both (& should be my new best friend, sis).

Very Good Advice by Kathryn Beaumont

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I’m always in

Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I’d love the change
Should something strange begin

Well I went along my merry way
And I never stopped to reason
I should have know there’d be a price to pay
Someday, someday

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Will I ever learn to do the things I should
Will I ever learn to do the things I should

(From Disney’s Alice in Wonderland)

Social Media Cleanse

I can’t believe that it has been this difficult!

It’s been like 24 hours since I decided to take a break from Facebook and Instagram. And I have literally reached to check them like ten times. What have these algorithms done to my brain that makes me crave the content like a drug?

Can’t be healthy…

Two days in NYC

-ate a bagel from NY deli

-played in snow with st. bernard

-Staten Island ferry (ran to catch it with the locals)

-saw Statue of Liberty

-pictures with the fearless girl

-saw NY stock exchange

-visited Alexander Hamilton’s grave

-rode subway (ran to catch it)

-ate banana pudding from Magnolia’s at Grand Central Station

-visited ground zero

-picture holding the bull by the balls

-visited NY public library

-saw empire state building hot pink & throbbing like heart on Valentine’s

-walked Bryant Park & watched the skaters at the ice rink

-visited Times Square

-visited Brooklyn bridge park & DUMBO

-plenty of street music & a performance

-ate filet mignon from a fancy italian restaurant

-ate NY style pizza, properly folded

All in all, I’d say it was a very successful trip 🍎