Amber Attempting to Adult

To Tyrell:

I have loved you like I have never loved another. For years I waited and waited on you to figure out your issues with addiction so that we could progress in our relationship. You won the battle against opiates and I will forever respect you for it. I have learned so much from you. You know most of the best and worst parts of me. I will always care for you and love your heart and soul. I will always wish the best for you. I will always be your friend. I will always be there if you need an ally.

The time has finally come for our paths to part. In the end, we want different things. I’m not endgame for you. Go find your, Rachel. I’ll find my Ross.

Sincerely,

Amber

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Yo! I finally fucking did it!

I couldn’t change my mindset, so I changed my situation! Holy shit!

It wasn’t easy. It felt good, then bad, then good again, then awful, and now I can’t believe that it took me so damned long.

I could layer on some bullshit about how Ty and I didn’t communicate well… how we drifted apart. But that would be vague and unclear. And I’m a truth teller. So the truth is that he is in a sea of depression soaked whiskey, swirling down the drain of self-pity and isolation. He doesn’t think he wants any more kids unless it just happens and isn’t sure about marriage. I don’t want to “trap” someone into a future with me.  I don’t want a life pickled in a whiskey bottle. Then he had this weird almost kind of a thing with some lonely hoe and that was pretty much all she wrote. I knew I had to get out of there.

So I moved to the beach, getting closer to the ocean hoping that the salt air would dry the fresh wounds on my heart. 

I feel calmer now. I feel freer. I feel like I am getting back to the things that make me happy. I am gardening and organizing and painting furniture and walking my dog to the beach and spending time contemplating the meaning of life while staring out over the thundering ocean. I am painting my toenails once a week. I’m ingesting more water and fruits and veggies. I am living more. I am working harder. I am drinking less.

I am excited for all that is to come.

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P.S. Ty considered cheating on me with a trash bag named Rachel (who knew me and acted kind to my face) right there at the end which is why the last line of my break-up note is so goddamned good to me and probably under-appreciated by you.

XX

I need to focus on my own demons.

I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and sloth and get motivated towards the future.

I need to let go of worry, anxiety, and self-defeating doubt.

I need to accept that failure is not only a possibly, but an inevitability.

I need to grasp that failure is no failure if I have grown and learned.

I need to breathe in the joy of life around me.

I need to remember that I am but one expression of the human experience.

I need to acknowledge that I am always both alone and in a crowd.

I need to absorb something good for my mind.

I need to move, groove and shake a little something on my body.

I need to appreciate my friends and family more.

I need to meditate on uplifting thoughts for my soul.

I need to put positive action into work.

I need to find something to give me back my spark for life.

I need some serious soul searching, therapy,  and meditation.