An apology

Dear Dave,

When I asked if I could apologize it was really for my own sake more than yours; I am in a phase of healing and self- discovery. I acted foolishly and I’d like to acknowledge it. Also, I am nearly impossible to shut up when I have something that I need to express. So here goes… regardless of if you read this or not, I will have said it and that is enough for me.

I am a mouthy woman. It’s debatably my best and worst quality.

After clearly expressing that you were having a bad day, I turned a chance to be understanding and supportive into a petty, selfish argument. I then immediately tried to shove you into the “FWB” zone knowing that neither you or I want that. I said that I didn’t feel “courted” when I was trying to say that actual time spent and physical contact is very important to me. I am worried that you were in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to wonder- much less have to ask- when is the next time I will see you.

After I was a raging cunt and then you ignored me for 24 hours, I deleted our whole strand of texts; all of those paragraphs of connection gone in a second. I had never been ghosted and knew that I would obsess over the level of insanity that I displayed. So I accepted that I messed up and it was over.

But then you responded.

As always, you were eloquent, kind, direct, but mostly honest. You were stern. You have healthy and real boundaries. You are not about unneeded drama. It makes you all the more the desirable. 

But I’ve already shown you my crazy and I think it may be too much for you. I hope not, but I really do understand if so. Even writing this; it’s just another crazy thing. But I am already pegged as a crazy, so what’s the harm? (maniacal laughter)

It’s been nine days since we spoke. I am being vulnerable. This is my Hail Mary; I am Heath Ledger singing “Can’t take my eyes off you” in 10 Things I Hate About You. I am Jim Carey running after the airplane in Liar Liar.

I like you and I am sorry.

-A