Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life that just breaks your heart?

About 8 months ago, I blocked a very dear friend on my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram and then I moved. She and I had been close friends for over a decade. We were friends through births, deaths, sadness, excitement, insanity and peace.

Lauren made me feel alive and special. She has this really cool vibe that is purely accidental. She has no idea how gorgeous or fun she is. She is a magnet for laughter and sunshine and good people. She has a daughter that is her whole world. That little warrior princess is a miracle who radiates pure joy. They are all of the beauty in the universe rolled into a perfect pair.

I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty details of the single event that transpired between us pushing me to remove her from my future. I can only tell you my side of the story and it doesn’t look good on her from my side. And I won’t speak poorly of her. Because I will always love her.

But in the end, I reacted too harshly and she thought I was judging her so she went off.

And that “off” is what pushed me over.

She is the only person who has ever spoken to me like that before. Fights with lovers were less personal. I quickly and impulsively made the decision that no one would ever speak to me like that again.

So I miss her almost daily, trying to be at peace with my decision. I am sorry for the way it ended. I am sorry that I can’t find a way to say: I love you, but I release you. Please be happy. Please be well. Please know that this isn’t what I wanted. But I don’t know if there is going back.

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Being born and raised in the south should have made me more inbred and less tolerant, but something went wrong in the grand scheme of these damned rebels. I am; brutally honest, a bad driver with a record to prove it, a connoisseur of stand-up comedy, the eldest child, an aware procrastinator, semi-sweet, the result of my mother losing her virginity, easily excitable, a lover of music, a pretty shit liar, late to any event no matter what, myself without apology.

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