Why do we look into the face of the sun?
We aren’t supposed to. There is irrevocable scientific evidence that demonstrates the effects on our eyes.
We can feel the damage… and still the urge cannot be suppressed.
Is it hope?
xoxo
āĀ Am
Why do we look into the face of the sun?
We aren’t supposed to. There is irrevocable scientific evidence that demonstrates the effects on our eyes.
We can feel the damage… and still the urge cannot be suppressed.
Is it hope?
xoxo
āĀ Am
I have always preferred to write poetry in the style of Walt Whitman- free, full of feeling and noises. But Emily Dickinson’s gentle cynicism has always been dear to my heart. She was so different and yet still similar to myself.
There is a poem that I was taught in 11th grade when learning about American Literature from Ms. Pulliam- one of my all-time favorite teachers- and it became my immediate goal to memorize it. A short, sweet and utterly brilliant poem, it brought wonder and awe to my young, contentious mind.
I now feel the need to share it and document in blood (kinda since the internet is forever) how meaningful it is to me and to share it with you.
Apparently with no surprise
By: Emily Dickinson
Apparently with no surprise
To any happy Flower
The Frost beheads it at its playā
In accidental powerā
The blonde Assassin passes onā
The Sun proceeds unmoved
To measure off another Day
For an Approving God.
Ponder that.
xoxo
ā Am
but I had unemotional, quick (akaĀ lame) sex last night and then woke up this morning to $100 bill on my nightstand…
(whichĀ may or may not beĀ grocery money from Ty)
well…Ā at least I got paid for my “effort”…
xoxo
āĀ Am
Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but someone shit in the bathroom of my personal office less than five minutes before I arrived back from lunch…
There are only three employees other than myself here today and there are five bathrooms in this office. Ā Other restrooms (whose offices are not occupied) are vacant for the entire day to air out. But mine was chosen…
And right before I return? So that I can be punched in the face execpectedly on a full stomach? Fucking Yuck.
The older I get, the more that I try to purposefully weed out the negativity from my life.
I don’t want to be surrounded with people who droll on aboutĀ the same issue over and over again and never do anything to alleviate it. I don’t like those who are constantly spewingĀ other people’s business like it’s their own. I can’t stand girls who whine on about how their boyfriend (who has proved over and over again what a bag of shit he is) has been treating her shittily again but she never leaves the fucker..
wah wah wah…
How you react to a situation is everything. Your attitude determines more than your aptitude. (I think I read that on a poster inĀ middle-schoolĀ somewhere) And bad attitudes can be so infectious.Ā In fact, I have come to a rather brilliant conclusionĀ (if I do say so myself).
A bad attitude is likeĀ a large brown fart cloud that continuously follows you around. It is obvious and unpleasant for everyone near.
So tone that shit down. (see what I did there?)
xoxo
āĀ Am
While sitting at the Comedy Zone last night Ty & I overheard this guy say to his friend “Please…it’s a sure thing; I am about to bust this bitch wide open.”
Ty and I look at each other in shock.
“Well he is awfully confident.” I whisper in Ty’s direction.
“Must be on a date with a hooker,” he replies.
It turned out that he was the opening act…and he did in fact bust that bitch wide open. ShaneIsFunny.com <- (This is the guy!)
xoxo
āĀ Am
Our love story is far from a fairy tale. But he is still my knight in worn-out denim & steel-toed boots, & always will be. š
Tyrell and I started dating three years ago. Ā Unbeknownst to me at the time, he was a hardcore drug addict.
He stole from me, lied to me and used me for about six months while hiding his addiction. Then we separated for three months (upon my finding out). He begged and pleaded on how he would get sober if I would give him another chance. So I gave in.
When what my mother warned me of finally did happen, I was in over my head. She told me that it would be easier for him to drag me down than it would be for me to lift him up. I was the most miserable that I have ever been following our reconnection. Momma warned me that she had many seedy friends (like I need reminding) but she had never known any as heavy into the crap as he was to come off of it…
It took nine months of him pretending to get sober for me to open my eyes. I wasĀ not living the life that I wanted or deserved. I packed my bags and headed 600 miles away to my best friends house in Nashville. I didn’t even bother to tell him that I was leaving because I knew at the time, he was somewhere on the westside of Jacksonville blowing his entire week’s pay on a single day’s high.
I was over 300 miles away on the other side of Atlanta before I told him what my plan was. It was pretty simple… to get away from all the bullshit.
I knew that I did not want drugs to be part of my daily life. He flipped back and forth from angry to remorseful in milliseconds, as drug addicts so often do. Ty had been on opiates for over six years. He was taking up to 300 milligrams of Roxicontin a day if he could get his hands on them. He begged me to come home. I knew that I couldn’t do it anymore.
He called me the next morning once he calmed down and regained his wits. He said that he would check into a rehabilitation center if I would consider giving him another chance. I agreed. I have always loved him and knew that I was not ready to give up.
Ty checked into Promise of Hope in Cochran, GA on May 29, 2014. He attended for 8 weeks. Ā He has been sober for one year and eight months now, still going strong.
Now that you have heard a lot of negative awful shit about him,
Onto why I love him:
xoxo
āĀ Am
I went to order a new phone online today and accidentally adopted a dog…
xoxo
āĀ Am
What is the purpose of life?
Is it to be happy? Or to be useful? Is it to love?
I am actually asking you…
Maybe it’s a happy medium somewhere in between? I don’t fucking know.
I struggle with this constantly.
Some people believe that it is to be “comfortable” or well-known or well-liked. Some people think that it is to “spread the gospel” or live a certain way to heed to a certain dogma.
I am none of the above…. but I just can’t figure it out.
It is all so selfish to me.
What I mean is, everything that is good is good because it is good to me, you see? My opinion is the only gauge or moral compass that I have to base it upon. What about what is good to you? We have different opinions and therefore will occasionally disagree. Who is right? It isn’t always the majority… So who is to decide?
Just thinking.
xoxo
āĀ Am
So when I checked my bank account earlier this morning, I was confused by a $31.97 charge by mochithings.com…
In the fashion of many drunken nights before, a haze of questions and re-tracking steps occurs.
Then something of aĀ lightĀ š” bulb came to me…
When I was drinking š· I ordered over $30 of sticky notes in the shape of š cats.
(palm to forehead)
#Meouch
I’m actully 26, but have been telling everyone that I am 27 since last October. So just go with it, because I can’t remember not to.
How did I get here and why should you give a shit? Well, how I got here is kind of the point of this blog. So don’t step on my toes just yet. But stay tuned for the many awkward, semi-funny, mostly unimportant, sometimesĀ sad, occasionally brilliant moments of my life, both past and present.
Let us get started with recent happenings and see where it goes…
I moved back to my hometown in Northeast Florida from the great city of Savannah, Georgia about seven months ago. If you haven’t been to the fairy tale that is Savannah, you need to. I am not sure ifĀ it’s the amazing cuisineš, up-and-coming art scenešØ, public drinking toleranceš», live musicš¶, or world-class shoppingšø that enticesĀ bothĀ young, edgy hipsters and retired grandmothers in fanny packs and sun visors. But you need to check it out…
and I am losing my point…
LOOK A SQUIRREL! Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā š Or snail…. whateves.
Anywho- upon my return home, I decided that I no longer wanted to work in “Corporate America”. I no longer had a desire to work in the big city of Jacksonville wearing a pencil skirt and high heels power walking under florescent lights withĀ my file of spreadsheets in tow. I no longer wanted to answer telephones from a headset all day long feeling confined to an office chair.Ā Instead, I took a pay cut and accepted a part-time job three days a week performing payroll for a tire shop and billing for a civil construction company.
Keep in mind that I’ve not taken a single educational class in over 9 years up until this point. Maybe that is the why Ā I felt ashamed to be a decade older than my classmates once class actually started. I didn’t spend time in the military. I did not have kids at a young age. I did not deal with a longterm illness that I overcame. Nothing. I have no excuses as to why I’ve waited so long, other than I was living. I had a career and it took some time to realize I was not fulfilledĀ (even though it was a wonderful job).
So I finally officially started college last Fall with two classes.
I will not be my own worst enemy and allow the intimidation of something new hold me back from pursuing my goals. I have pressed forward and am now actively working towards my A.A. with a full schedule this semester.
As one of my new classmates quoted last Monday, “Don’t let your dreams become just dreams.”
šxoxo
–Ā Am
Let me start out by letting you know that I am going to get way inappropriate in the duration of this blog.
Like way, wayyyy too deep.
Like my sex life, personal problems,Ā political opinions (not really), family issues, and even the stupid, selfish, whiny moments that should not be spoken of will be written down in the context of the internet forever. Because I am an overshare-er, that’s why.
Plus, I am on my second bottle of San Sebastian’s Vintners Red, so that helps. It’s a local wine that is honestly way too sweet to be called aĀ RedĀ wine but it has an 11% alcohol content and the fancy name makes me feel classier about consuming two bottles in their entirety during one sitting.
What a great place to start…
xoxo
āĀ Am