Pruning

About two years ago, I was an intern at a private horticulturist for literally one day. Bluebird Growers; I love blue birds, I love plants, I had a little time to spare and I wanted to work on my green thumb. I figured “why not?”

There was one single lesson that I remember from that day and it applies to life as much as plants. It took me until the far side of my 30th birthday to be able to understand the teaching.

The lone scientist and I were pruning lavender, mint, and a few other herbs. Trimming away the discolored leaves and buds, he began to explain how these part suck life from the plant. He said that the plant will produce new growth regardless as long as it has sun and water. However, if we remove the ailing parts, then the plant can harness this energy in a more positive, productive manner.

The most important lesson that I must currently learn is to simply trust the journey. When we release the parts that we are fighting to hold on, we realize that fighting wastes energy, even if it’s in the name of something we perceive as positive.

Trust the journey. Let it be. Que Sera, Sera!

I am a flake.

So in case my posts haven’t demonstrated for you, allow me say it:

I AM A FLAKE.

Or at least that is how it seems from the outside… but, in all honesty, it’s more like I am constantly evolving or shifting my perspective and ideas.

My opinions and thoughts behave like water; they ebb and flow with my moods. Some are unyielding ice while others are quickly fleeting steam.

(Also, I have these mad depressive episodes which prohibit me from normal human contact due to wild amounts of anxiety.)

Plus, I am kind of a flake… so what?!

Hoping to be back sooner than last time!

(but not promising anything because I refuse to give you anymore fucking ammunition to call me a flake… okay?!?)

Just kidding.😉

💘- AM

“V’s Nuts”

 

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“V’s Nuts” is an Original Clay Sculpture by Amber R. Maddox 💘

First Coil Piece for Ceramics Hand-building 1 Assignment: Fertility Ritual Vase

In the Greenware state- barely leather hard.

Can’t wait to fire this baby up and glaze it!

In progress… more to come 💋

Dear Stranger, apologies

from me to you.

It seems that the only time that I want to talk to you is when my life is awry and I need the open ear of no one and everyone all at once.

I am a mess.

Do I tell you that I have been trying to find the right anti-anxiety medication for weeks since complications with my usual one and now it just feels like a really fucked up guessing game?

My 4.0 GPA is waving goodbye as my social anxiety sets in making my ADD less manageable, my work less quality and my attendance less likely. I have spent the whole class period in the parking lot of the school with my hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel unable to convince myself to enter the building. I find every reason to put off the assignments until sheer panic sets in and I frantically try to come up with something that looks presentable.

But then I should be doing homework right  now, shouldn’t I?  😳

I am new.

It has been so long since I’ve written that it feels like I have lived a hundred lives & changed a thousand times.

My opinions on life and love and hate and drugs and mental illness and sanity and God and the universe and my past and my future all seem to ebb and flow unruly as the sea.

Today I am new. Today I am different. I may not always make new choices, but how I think on them will be.

Each grain of sand collecting together, building what will have been my life.

 

Bad Choices

Why do we knowingly make self-defeating decisions?

Is it the comfort in the disappointment?

That old familiar friend, self-hate

waiting within our ear to whisper,

“Why not? You know you want to. You might as well. You are already thinking it.

So you do.

Acting as though you are more clever than poor choices,

while you make them.

And then afterwards

that same voice hisses,

“You fool. You knew better. Aren’t you smarter than that?”

On Speaking Terms

We spoke today for the first time since we parted ways.

Your voice sounded smooth- rich and velvety as it always has- but it sounded younger today.

Your deep, southern drawl and slow pace of speech made the words bend and last forever.

Oh, how I’ve missed your voice.

I miss the comfort within each drawn out syllable.

I missed the way it danced on the drums of my ears sending my heart into a frantic rhythmic beat.

I miss the kindness behind each well thought out sentence.

“Friends?”

We agreed. We lingered.

And I let you go.

As I will have to do each morning when I wake thinking of your smile and each night when I go to sleep dreaming of your kiss.

Friends until the end.

What is the big GOD-DAMNED deal?

I am so tired of being chastised for that word.

Goddamn. Goddamned. Goddamns. Goddamnit.

I am not damning God.  I love God. Or the universe or whatever that essence is.

I use it out of frustration…  as in, “God, if there is a hellsend this __________ there.”

I am asking for his help with smiting. I am not angry AT him. I am angry WITH him.

Why is that so hard to understand? Especially if I were praying to the Christian God… isn’t that his jam? Paying back those who won’t accept him?

sigh.

It is 1:00 in the morning and I am only on my 5th Orange Henry’s Hard Soda. My buzz is barely stable, if you can even call it a “buzz”.

I’m not pissing and moaning about Ty so that is a good start but is religion any better?

 

I did get invited to a party tonight, so that was fun…

Cassidi & I showed up at like 10:30- which is when the “par-tay” usually gets “krunk” (or do they not use that one anymore?😬) Anyways, once we arrived we quickly realized that we were nearly a decade older than everyone there… which means that more than likely there was some underage drinking…

…so we boot-scoot and boogied our way out of there and back to my madre’s hizzy to kick it with her and chillax for the night. (Don’t I sound cool?)

 

Bedtime. 🌙 1:52 AM

 

“More Fucked Up Than a Soup Sandwich”

So I saw my therapist yesterday.

It has been nearly 3 years since I have sat on that couch. And she said so many things. So may brilliant and scary things. Words like General Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD,  and Codependent are still floating through my mind.

Just a ball of nerves or General Anxiety? Just bad dreams or PTSD? Just spinning wheels or ADHD? Just helpful or Codependent?

Yeah right.

There is no fucking getting out of that last one.  It took very little research to know that she was right. When she said the word “Codependent”, I was like, “Shit. you got me. Finally one that I can’t talk myself out of.”

The following is from Mental Health America.Net

(original post here: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency)

“Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better…They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.”

This basically just described the relationship that I was just in that just ended. He started as  a drug addict.  I was his martyr. I “saved” him. And it just didn’t work. It didn’t work for either of us.

And here I am, still acting like a little bitch when I know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship…

Get over it, Amber!

My therapist thinks I shouldn’t date until I get these dependency issues worked out. She said I was allowed a “fuck buddy” but I know that I can’t separate love and sex so that just doesn’t jive with me. Time to invest in some batteries…

I am not going to miss you tonight.

I told myself I wouldn’t. I know that I shouldn’t. I am where I am supposed to be. I have been more productive in the last three weeks than I have been in the last three months. I finally feel free to be happy again. I finally don’t feel like a nagging bitch all the time. I feel useful and creative again.

So why do I miss you so much?

Why do I wish you would just call and say you were wrong.

Could you be wrong?

That isn’t possible, is it? For you to be wrong about being in love with someone?

You know when you can’t live without someone.

And you are.

Living.

Without me.

And you are happy, I suppose.

I should be, too.

So why am I not?

Brain, please don’t dream of him tonight.  Eyes, please don’t search for him tonight. Arms, please don’t reach for him tonight. Heart, please don’t hurt for him tonight.

💔

 

On Writing

A dear friend told me that I don’t have to create amazing prose each time that I sit here to write you.  It’s difficult, you see, because I don’t really know what this is. It is a hobby, for sure. It is a form of self-expression that I tend to use when I am feeling blue or have a funny story. But I don’t feel like I can stop by and write unless I have something worth reading.

Someone recently said to me, “I was reading your diary online and…”

My diary? Oh shit… Is that what this is? I mean, I don’t keep a diary. I wish I did. But I guess I really don’t hold back when I am writing you. So this could be a diary. I feel like you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to know.  And I wouldn’t be sharing if I didn’t want you to know.

I want to make this more frequent. I will try and write at least once a week from now on, not leave you hanging on for so long. Not that you are hanging on in anyway, but, here you are… still reading my nonsensical bullshit. haha.

Peace & Love

💘

-Am

Change

I will be honest about my thoughts and feelings on this piece and let you know now that my mind will have changed and may be different in two months or less.

Right now, I am licking wounds and looking for solid ground to stand on. My heart is hurting (even if deep down at the bottom of it, I kinda believe that it is for the best). Let’s get to it… 💔

I have been hot and cold for my boyfriend of four years for about the last six months or so. Being who I am, I never held back my feelings towards him. Ty was fully aware that his lack of goals or ambition was driving me insane. Looking back, I know that he was miserable. He hated the company he works for (still does). His sjogren’s and arthritis were hurting him, probably still are. He felt sad all of the time. He wouldn’t go visit with his family. He wouldn’t go see a doctor. He woke for work at 4:30 AM and made it home around 5:30 PM. Then he would crack a beer, sometimes just one, and sit on the couch waiting for dinner to be served. He never cared what we ate. After dinner, he would fall asleep on the couch until I’d ask him to go to bed- and he would argue most of the time. This routine wasn’t surrounded with much loving conversation. We had sex twice a week maximum, when I asked for it- and sometimes he was just “too tired”.  Looking back now, he had grown tired of me. I was impatient and a nag. He was content with what he had. He didn’t want goals like a planning wedding or a having child or a building a house.

As horrible and painful as it is to admit, I am now aware that his love for me was learned and took effort. My love for him was chemical. It was animalistic and automatic. It was never hard for me to love him, not even through the worst of times. As long as he came back and was sorry, I would love him forever. I had accepted that we were in a rough patch and wanted to press on. It just wasn’t the same for him. Probably never was…

When we first started dating and unbeknownst to me, he was a drug addict. Apparently had been for about six years prior. For the first two years, we did this awful tug of war between addiction and sobriety.

When I finally left the first time, he went to rehab. As of May 28th, 2016, he had been sober for two years from opiates. He still is as of today as far as I know. He knew from the very start that I would be good for him. He knew that I loved him and that I would be strong and wouldn’t allow him falter as much as anyone could. I could read the drugs in his eyes and would call him on his bullshit quickly all the while reminding him how handsome and cable and intelligent he was. He wouldn’t risk losing me for the next two years and two months.

About a year ago, when we moved back to his hometown from Savannah, Ga, he promised that we wouldn’t live in that house forever. That trailer that his father bought for his first marriage. This little old 80’s model single wide that sat less that 100 yards from his parent’s house- the one where he got high so many times. But honestly, it is the only place he wants to be- “no bills!- why not?”. He is perfectly content there and I am not. I was not. I will never be again.

His family hated me and it made him feel like he had to choose between us. I never asked him to and begged him to visit them, but it didn’t matter. The rift between them and me deepened the one between he and I.

The day we actually broke up was a disaster. I had been awake for over 22 hours helping my best friend pack and move her apartment and storage unit in a U-haul from Nashville, TN. I came home, slept for like 5 hours and then he came home from work. He didn’t act like he missed me at all. I had been gone for 5 days. He had a side job to go to right then and had volunteered to pick up some extra hours the following day.

I was hurt. I said “You don’t love me like I love you, do you?” And when he would usually protest, this time he said, “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you in my life.” I backed away slowly, got in my car, rolled down the window and said, “This is so over.” And I left.

I came back two hours later to apologize and he didn’t care. He didn’t want to make up…

I do not know if this is just a stage of a break-up or maybe of grief, but I feel so guilty. This has shown me that I am such a hard person. I already knew that I speak too harshly. I don’t hold back, often when I should.

Sometimes I feel like I emasculated him. I was bossy and bitchy and neither of us were happy because of it. Looking back on it now, I handled everything wrong. I should have been encouraging. I should have made my happiness my own responsibility. I should have let him find his own way without trying to force him in directions. They say hindsight is 20/20. I fucking hate clichés.

I remember hanging out with my single friends who were dating and thinking, “God, I am so fortunate. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I love so much.” And I didn’t show it- not nearly enough.

Would it have mattered? I mean, that still wouldn’t have made him love me, would it? I mean, I have been loved before. My high school sweetheart was toxic, but he was in love with me. Ty loved me but “not the way your are supposed to when you say ‘I do'”- those are his actual words on that final night. He also made a splash with “there is absolutely no spark anymore” and “I really tried but it’s just not there, I’m sorry”.

I showed him seventy-seven shades of crazy in about 7 minutes.

You used me?! So you never loved me? You tried?! What the fuck does that mean?! Fuck you! Why would you do this to me? I loved you. I took care of you. I went through hell with you. You promised that it would be worth it! You promised that we would do this together forever. You fucking liar! I HOPE YOU END UP STRUNG OUT ON PILLS LIKE YOU WERE BEFORE YOU FUCKING USED ME. I am sorry, I didn’t mean that- I love you so much. Please say that this is an awful joke. Please say that we can work this out. But you don’t want to marry me!? There is no spark!? Why the fuck have you lied to me for FOUR GODDAMNED YEARS AND MADE ME THINK THAT…

I sobbed, screamed, begged, and then gave up in a pile of tears on my bed. He eased in behind me, pulled the covers over me and started massaging my shoulders. I continued to weep. He rubbed my shoulders, then my back, then my hips and my thighs, and…

I fucking had sex with him.

I don’t know why. Maybe a final pathetic plea of some sort. Don’t worry, it was not good sex… I immediately rolled over (after he came inside of me-inconsiderate) and continued my sobbing. He held me for the rest of the night, for one last night.

When he went to leave for work around 5:00 AM, he came to kiss me- and I wouldn’t allow it. He told me he loved me. I told him he was lying. He slammed the door. I packed my bags while he was at work.

I will have to go back for my furniture soon, after I find an apartment. I have been staying with my mom (shoot me).

I have only texted with him once briefly in the first few days in which he told me that he was happier without me… Ouch. That little reality check slapped me in the face because I do love him. And his happiness is very important to me.

If he is happier without me, I just want him to be happy.

Disconnected…

What does that word mean to you?

Is it a feeling?

Is it a verb?

Is one or the other or both?

Does that even make sense?

 

Ha.

Disconnect, ye disconnected…

 

a universal human experience

 

to be human is to be temporary

and how wonderful it is to be

only temporary

and human

all in one and one in all.

 

 

I can’t wait to be 50.

I feel like there is a certain age at which you are allowed (by society) to no longer give a fuck.

You can dress as you please. Speak as you please. Live as you please. And no one is looking for you to change. They accept that you are “set in your ways”.

This is an age at which you can flip the bird to a 10 year old and a 70 year old on the same block (only if deserved and with no fucks given).

There is no more”respect your elders” talk because, hell, you are an elder and you have lived long enough to know who deserves your respect and who doesn’t.

I have always been told that I am “an old soul” but I must say my “stay the fuck away from me, let me read and swing on the front porch” stage is starting far too soon…

xo-

💘 Am