Knives

“when you aren’t fed love from a silver spoon, you’ll learn to lick it off of knives“

-unknown

I just needed to put this somewhere to read again in the future while remembering that growing up, I did not have a close example for how a healthy, enduring romantic love should behave.

But now I am 31, for chrissakes!

Over the years, I have been teaching myself what boundaries are, how to maintain my codependent tendencies, & healthy ways to deal with stress. I have a long way to go, but I have come so far.

I am both tougher and more tender for it all. I am manifesting the love of my life. I am becoming the woman that my partner deserves. I am learning that I don’t have to lick knives. I can have a silver spoon, too.

I mean, I think.

I believe…

Or is it foolish to still be so full of hope?

Energy & Emotions

Holy shit: I think I hurt my own feelings more than anyone else ever could.

Why am I weak like this?! Why don’t I have better control of my emotions!?!

I am an empath!! Fuck!! Emotions are my currency!!

I must learn to master who & what does & does not warrant a reaction.

It’s all part of learning to protect & direct my energy.

Legacy

I don’t want my children to be my legacy.

I want them to have an opportunity to create their own path and leave their own mark on the world.

I think that is why I have waited; I sought to find my own purpose so that I could be fulfilled in myself before starting a family. 

Ideal

My ideal partner will be one that I can call halfway through the day & say

“Babe, I started my period…”

and he or she will automatically know that means a couple of things:

  1. I need extra love and affection this week.
  2. because I am extra sensitive. (<———-and I am already a sensitive bitch)
  3. Chocolate is a really good idea.
  4. Wine is an even better idea. (Currently, a bottle of Michael David Petite Petit hits the spot). Cure the big red with a bottle of red…right?

Sigh…Just dreaming into the abyss again…

Astrological Pussy

I received this meme yesterday and laughed out loud. Then I started thinking, the OP may be onto something…

Bitches that think astrology is real either:

a.) believe they are witches

b.) are total potheads

or

c.) a combination of both

In other words she either:

a.) secretly has him bewitched on that pussy magick

b.) coughs & kegels all day long giving reason for the term gorilla grip

or

c.) a combination of both (& should be my new best friend, sis).

Very Good Advice by Kathryn Beaumont

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I’m always in

Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I’d love the change
Should something strange begin

Well I went along my merry way
And I never stopped to reason
I should have know there’d be a price to pay
Someday, someday

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Will I ever learn to do the things I should
Will I ever learn to do the things I should

(From Disney’s Alice in Wonderland)

Social Media Cleanse

I can’t believe that it has been this difficult!

It’s been like 24 hours since I decided to take a break from Facebook and Instagram. And I have literally reached to check them like ten times. What have these algorithms done to my brain that makes me crave the content like a drug?

Can’t be healthy…

Two days in NYC

-ate a bagel from NY deli

-played in snow with st. bernard

-Staten Island ferry (ran to catch it with the locals)

-saw Statue of Liberty

-pictures with the fearless girl

-saw NY stock exchange

-visited Alexander Hamilton’s grave

-rode subway (ran to catch it)

-ate banana pudding from Magnolia’s at Grand Central Station

-visited ground zero

-picture holding the bull by the balls

-visited NY public library

-saw empire state building hot pink & throbbing like heart on Valentine’s

-walked Bryant Park & watched the skaters at the ice rink

-visited Times Square

-visited Brooklyn bridge park & DUMBO

-plenty of street music & a performance

-ate filet mignon from a fancy italian restaurant

-ate NY style pizza, properly folded

All in all, I’d say it was a very successful trip 🍎

Dragging it out.

Gut, being brave isn’t brave when it’s fighting for the sake of fighting. There is nothing to save. The flower died before the bud even formed; you can’t glue the petals on and pretend it bloomed.

Heart, please stop; don’t exhaust your valuable energy. Your quiet bleeding is in vain.

Head, tell her that it’s fruitless. Tell her that we’ve been here before and we know how this story ends.

Don’t be willingly dumb. Don’t drag it out. Time is too precious.

My circle

I’ve let my circle grow too large.

It’s always been important to me to have a tight group of friends. I did not take into account how growth would weaken my circle.

It’s time for me to eliminate some of the connections that are not fruitful for my own progression and peace.

I must learn to better protect my energy; I give it away until I feel totally empty.

Answers

My therapist told me to stop looking for all the answers today. She said it doesn’t work like that. Life is messy.

It’s unkind, unfair, and complicated.

Just let it be and keep trying.

Keep grinding. Keep working. Keep achieving.

But mostly, keep forgiving, starting with yourself.

I don’t have to understand how it will all work out. But I am sure that the best is yet to come.

And it’s already been a pretty thrilling ride. 😎

On being selfish

I have been so overwhelmed for the past couple of weeks? months? years? eh, lost count.

So I am doing something utterly selfish this weekend. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. (I am lying; I totally feel guilty)

I am going to New York for the weekend.

Don’t @ me.

You don’t have to, I promise.

My first trip to the Big Apple will be tainted with a global pandemic.

But sometimes mental health must be prioritized; I need a refresh. I need adventure. I need inspiration. I need to feel the fear of new places, people, smells and surroundings.

I am dying without it.

And so I go.