So in case my posts haven’t demonstrated for you, allow me say it:
I AM A FLAKE.
Or at least that is how it seems from the outside… but, in all honesty, it’s more like I am constantly evolving or shifting my perspective and ideas.
My opinions and thoughts behave like water; they ebb and flow with my moods. Some are unyielding ice while others are quickly fleeting steam.
(Also, I have these mad depressive episodes which prohibit me from normal human contact due to wild amounts of anxiety.)
Plus, I am kind of a flake… so what?!
Hoping to be back sooner than last time!
(but not promising anything because I refuse to give you anymore fucking ammunition to call me a flake… okay?!?)
from me to you.
It seems that the only time that I want to talk to you is when my life is awry and I need the open ear of no one and everyone all at once.
I am a mess.
Do I tell you that I have been trying to find the right anti-anxiety medication for weeks since complications with my usual one and now it just feels like a really fucked up guessing game?
My 4.0 GPA is waving goodbye as my social anxiety sets in making my ADD less manageable, my work less quality and my attendance less likely. I have spent the whole class period in the parking lot of the school with my hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel unable to convince myself to enter the building. I find every reason to put off the assignments until sheer panic sets in and I frantically try to come up with something that looks presentable.
But then I should be doing homework right now, shouldn’t I? 😳
It has been so long since I’ve written that it feels like I have lived a hundred lives & changed a thousand times.
My opinions on life and love and hate and drugs and mental illness and sanity and God and the universe and my past and my future all seem to ebb and flow unruly as the sea.
Today I am new. Today I am different. I may not always make new choices, but how I think on them will be.
Each grain of sand collecting together, building what will have been my life.
You have to go alone.
No one will be with you through all of the trials.
No one can fight your battles and win your victories.
No one could ever complete it the way that you will.
Many will pass by like glimpses through your peripheral.
Many will accompany and guide you along the way pointing you in directions.
Some will start a fire within you that takes you on turns that you never expected.
Some will try to extinguish your light so that theirs may shine brighter.
Some will come along and attempt to rekindle your lost flame.
Some will succeed.
Some will fail.
All will impact you, one way or another, for better or worse.
But no one will stay through it all.
They have their own road to take.
So be brave and be bold.
Do not fear.
Do not try to control it.
Embrace what you have been given and make the most of it.
It is all any of us can do,
on this journey.