I am a flake.

So in case my posts haven’t demonstrated for you, allow me say it:

I AM A FLAKE.

Or at least that is how it seems from the outside… but, in all honesty, it’s more like I am constantly evolving or shifting my perspective and ideas.

My opinions and thoughts behave like water; they ebb and flow with my moods. Some are unyielding ice while others are quickly fleeting steam.

(Also, I have these mad depressive episodes which prohibit me from normal human contact due to wild amounts of anxiety.)

Plus, I am kind of a flake… so what?!

Hoping to be back sooner than last time!

(but not promising anything because I refuse to give you anymore fucking ammunition to call me a flake… okay?!?)

Just kidding.😉

💘- AM

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I, the Ceramateur

I have found a new passion.

I am in love with ceramics. I can’t get enough.

I do extra projects at home just to try my hand at a new form.

After my introduction to hand building ceramics about three months ago, I knew that I had found a new obsession that will forever be part of my life; daily if I can help it. I’ve dove in head first and elbow deep, spending countless hours researching multiple modern ceramic artists for inspiration.

I personally try to create art with humor. I enjoy surrealism, especially grotesque and odd, figurative sculptures. I like modern & strange works of art, some are daunting, some are whimsical; all have a surreal feel about them.

 

 

“More Fucked Up Than a Soup Sandwich”

So I saw my therapist yesterday.

It has been nearly 3 years since I have sat on that couch. And she said so many things. So may brilliant and scary things. Words like General Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD,  and Codependent are still floating through my mind.

Just a ball of nerves or General Anxiety? Just bad dreams or PTSD? Just spinning wheels or ADHD? Just helpful or Codependent?

Yeah right.

There is no fucking getting out of that last one.  It took very little research to know that she was right. When she said the word “Codependent”, I was like, “Shit. you got me. Finally one that I can’t talk myself out of.”

The following is from Mental Health America.Net

(original post here: http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency)

“Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better…They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.”

This basically just described the relationship that I was just in that just ended. He started as  a drug addict.  I was his martyr. I “saved” him. And it just didn’t work. It didn’t work for either of us.

And here I am, still acting like a little bitch when I know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship…

Get over it, Amber!

My therapist thinks I shouldn’t date until I get these dependency issues worked out. She said I was allowed a “fuck buddy” but I know that I can’t separate love and sex so that just doesn’t jive with me. Time to invest in some batteries…

Disconnected…

What does that word mean to you?

Is it a feeling?

Is it a verb?

Is one or the other or both?

Does that even make sense?

 

Ha.

Disconnect, ye disconnected…

 

a universal human experience

 

to be human is to be temporary

and how wonderful it is to be

only temporary

and human

all in one and one in all.