I truly don’t get that turn of phrase, but I just did whatever it is… I met someone who felt like my matching puzzle piece and POW!……..Gun went off too soon… (you fellas know what I am talking about, right? lol…kidding)
If you have ever seen the movie Practical Magic, then hopefully you remember the scene where the young Sally attempts a true love spell for her ideal man. I have always been enthralled with magic so ten year old myself set out to cast my very own Amas Veritas. I was going to conjure up true love. (knuckle crack)
He would be brave, honest, strong and handsome…a hero maybe? His favorite colors would be pink and green (because those were my favorite colors at the time and that is important to a ten year old). He could draw like an artist and still be secretly good at math. But he would also be musical because I was a singer in need of a musician (eye roll).
If you would have asked me yesterday, only nine days in, I would have told you that I thought the spell had actually worked. On the other side of the planet, another ten year old was already growing into a man prepared to carry all of those desires and so many more on his perfect, broad shoulders.
I have never been so boldly honest nor seen such vulnerability reciprocated with ease. Conversing and laughing for hours, we poured our souls between these vessels like blending a perfect wine. I had never laughed or connected or fucked or felt adored or been heard like this. I wanted to keep him forever. And he told me everyday– over and over for the first nine days– about how he felt the same, t’was a whirlwind romance for certain.
But in the last twelve hours, he took a ginormous step backward and behind the opinion of his baby mama. He has drama and history, just like I do, but I thought we were on the same page. Suddenly so many of the things that we discussed and were excited about were brushed away with hints of “what would she think”…
I can’t compete with the mother of your child. And I don’t ever want to. And so the reality that I feared feels all too real. I should protect my heart and step the fuck back.
Do I stop the connection altogether because I know that I will get wrapped up in him? I am seeking peace, not drama or heartache. I am too old for half-assed attempts. I honestly thought that we were both too caught up, but his raw fearlessness made me feel brave. Reality has finally hit and I won’t play second chair to anyone, especially an ex-lover.
Do I step back and keep seeing him while doing the casual dating thing? Of course, I would tell him. But I deleted all of my dating profiles after like four days for this guys (unheard of!)… And honestly, I kinda hated casual dating, I was just meeting people in search of my person.
It sucks when you think you found them, but pieces of their soul still belongs to someone else. I guess who am I to talk?
I was too excited to meet someone extraordinary, but there can only be one for me. And I don’t like to share.