Pruning

About two years ago, I was an intern at a private horticulturist for literally one day. Bluebird Growers; I love blue birds, I love plants, I had a little time to spare and I wanted to work on my green thumb. I figured “why not?”

There was one single lesson that I remember from that day and it applies to life as much as plants. It took me until the far side of my 30th birthday to be able to understand the teaching.

The lone scientist and I were pruning lavender, mint, and a few other herbs. Trimming away the discolored leaves and buds, he began to explain how these part suck life from the plant. He said that the plant will produce new growth regardless as long as it has sun and water. However, if we remove the ailing parts, then the plant can harness this energy in a more positive, productive manner.

The most important lesson that I must currently learn is to simply trust the journey. When we release the parts that we are fighting to hold on, we realize that fighting wastes energy, even if it’s in the name of something we perceive as positive.

Trust the journey. Let it be. Que Sera, Sera!

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“Done is better than perfect.”

Thank you, Libby from 2-D Design for that advice; I don’t think you know how tightly I will forever hold onto that little gem.

It is my new worry stone, tucked deep into the miniature watch pocket of my favorite faded blue jeans.

When I am doubtful, unsure, and feel like I can’t meet my own goddamned unreasonable expectations, I pull this pale little gem out (in my mind’s eye) and run my fingers over the smooth surface of it’s comfort.

“Done is better than perfect.”

Most people won’t even take the time to do the damned thing. It’s the same sentiment as “You’re lapping everyone who is on the couch.”

Just doing it is the battle.

Do what you can. Do your best. And move the fuck on. 

 

A break-up note: A note on a break-up

To Tyrell:

I have loved you like I have never loved another. For years I waited and waited on you to figure out your issues with addiction so that we could progress in our relationship. You won the battle against opiates and I will forever respect you for it. I have learned so much from you. You know most of the best and worst parts of me. I will always care for you and love your heart and soul. I will always wish the best for you. I will always be your friend. I will always be there if you need an ally.

The time has finally come for our paths to part. In the end, we want different things. I’m not endgame for you. Go find your, Rachel. I’ll find my Ross.

Sincerely,

Amber

_____________________________________________

 

Yo! I finally fucking did it!

I couldn’t change my mindset, so I changed my situation! Holy shit!

It wasn’t easy. It felt good, then bad, then good again, then awful, and now I can’t believe that it took me so damned long.

I could layer on some bullshit about how Ty and I didn’t communicate well… how we drifted apart. But that would be vague and unclear. And I’m a truth teller. So the truth is that he is in a sea of depression soaked whiskey, swirling down the drain of self-pity and isolation. He doesn’t think he wants any more kids unless it just happens and isn’t sure about marriage. I don’t want to “trap” someone into a future with me.  I don’t want a life pickled in a whiskey bottle. Then he had this weird almost kind of a thing with some lonely hoe and that was pretty much all she wrote. I knew I had to get out of there.

So I moved to the beach, getting closer to the ocean hoping that the salt air would dry the fresh wounds on my heart. 

I feel calmer now. I feel freer. I feel like I am getting back to the things that make me happy. I am gardening and organizing and painting furniture and walking my dog to the beach and spending time contemplating the meaning of life while staring out over the thundering ocean. I am painting my toenails once a week. I’m ingesting more water and fruits and veggies. I am living more. I am working harder. I am drinking less.

I am excited for all that is to come.

_____________________________________________

 

P.S. Ty considered cheating on me with a trash bag named Rachel (who knew me and acted kind to my face) right there at the end which is why the last line of my break-up note is so goddamned good to me and probably under-appreciated by you.

XX

 

needs.

I need to focus on my own demons.

I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and sloth and get motivated towards the future.

I need to let go of worry, anxiety, and self-defeating doubt.

I need to accept that failure is not only a possibly, but an inevitability.

I need to grasp that failure is no failure if I have grown and learned.

I need to breathe in the joy of life around me.

I need to remember that I am but one expression of the human experience.

I need to acknowledge that I am always both alone and in a crowd.

I need to absorb something good for my mind.

I need to move, groove and shake a little something on my body.

I need to appreciate my friends and family more.

I need to meditate on uplifting thoughts for my soul.

I need to put positive action into work.

I need to find something to give me back my spark for life.

I need some serious soul searching, therapy,  and meditation.

I am a flake.

So in case my posts haven’t demonstrated for you, allow me say it:

I AM A FLAKE.

Or at least that is how it seems from the outside… but, in all honesty, it’s more like I am constantly evolving or shifting my perspective and ideas.

My opinions and thoughts behave like water; they ebb and flow with my moods. Some are unyielding ice while others are quickly fleeting steam.

(Also, I have these mad depressive episodes which prohibit me from normal human contact due to wild amounts of anxiety.)

Plus, I am kind of a flake… so what?!

Hoping to be back sooner than last time!

(but not promising anything because I refuse to give you anymore fucking ammunition to call me a flake… okay?!?)

Just kidding.😉

💘- AM

I, the Ceramateur

I have found a new passion.

I am in love with ceramics. I can’t get enough.

I do extra projects at home just to try my hand at a new form.

After my introduction to hand building ceramics about three months ago, I knew that I had found a new obsession that will forever be part of my life; daily if I can help it. I’ve dove in head first and elbow deep, spending countless hours researching multiple modern ceramic artists for inspiration.

I personally try to create art with humor. I enjoy surrealism, especially grotesque and odd, figurative sculptures. I like modern & strange works of art, some are daunting, some are whimsical; all have a surreal feel about them.

 

 

Dear Stranger, apologies

from me to you.

It seems that the only time that I want to talk to you is when my life is awry and I need the open ear of no one and everyone all at once.

I am a mess.

Do I tell you that I have been trying to find the right anti-anxiety medication for weeks since complications with my usual one and now it just feels like a really fucked up guessing game?

My 4.0 GPA is waving goodbye as my social anxiety sets in making my ADD less manageable, my work less quality and my attendance less likely. I have spent the whole class period in the parking lot of the school with my hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel unable to convince myself to enter the building. I find every reason to put off the assignments until sheer panic sets in and I frantically try to come up with something that looks presentable.

But then I should be doing homework right  now, shouldn’t I?  😳