Category: Personal

I was sexually assaulted last night and I want to recollect the moments while it is still fresh in my brain.

The before:

I met Kevin at my apartment complex in the middle of August; he had stopped to see a friend and approached me in the parking lot. He was extrememly respectful; I have never given my number to a man in a parking lot before then (and I never ever will again).

We texted back and forth for a week or so. He was polite and fun and kinda silly. He was brand new to town and worked as a fork lift driver. That’s respectable, I thought.

He asked to take me out, but I worked late on the evening of our plans so I asked to bail on him. He was disappointed so I offered to let him come over to have a drink and watch a movie with me. One thing led to another and we slept together.

We were laying in bed afterwards, discussing life and our pasts when he mentions that he just got out of prison a few months ago. O_0

 Well that was unexpected, but not terrifying yet…

“How long ago did you get out?” How long were you away? What was it for?”

“Got out four months ago… Was in for eight years for armed robbery.” (red flag)

Queue mouthdrop and realization that I may not be the best judge of character. Then he casually mentions that he needs to meet a friend at a gas station for something. (red flag)

I said “it’s 2:30 A.M?”

He said “I will wear your housecoat & leave my pants to prove a point; it will be less than 30 minutes.”

 “I am locking the door at 3 AM because this is already sketchy.”

He said “bet” and left.

At 3:05, he didn’t answer his phone. I locked my house and hung his shorts on the outside of my doorknob. I woke up to a couple missed calls a a text that said.  “That is vile! You are a low-down evil woman…silly as fuck.” (red flag)  

I said “Keep the housecoat; I don’t have time for games like this.”

He said, “Did I leave my shirt there?”

I looked around and sure enough… “yes, let me know when you are in the area and I’ll leave it out for you.”

The encounter:

That was the last week in August. I hadn’t spoken to this man in over 20 days. Then last night, around 7:30 PM he called my phone. I hit ignore. He called again. I hit ignore. He called again. I let it ring to voicemail. He called again.

I answered huffy, “Hello!? Can I help you? It this an emergency?”

He said “I am at your apartments seeing my boy and I wanted to get that shirt.”

I said “I’ll sit it outside for you.”

He said “There better not be any other men in your house.”

I said, “First of all that is none of your concern and second of all…” a knock on my door.

I hung up. And grouchy as fuck I grabbbed the man’s shirt and opened my door. I shoved it out through the door frame and out of my house into his hands. I told him to have a great night and I tried to close my front door.

He stuck his hand in the way of the door and told me to chill out. I protested and told him that I didn’t want company.

He kept reaching in and grabbing my waist, hips, and thighs. With one hand trying to shut my door and the other slapping his hands away, I told him that I had Spanish homework; I didn’t want company. Again, I tried to close the door.

He stepped inward and pushed it open. I put my hands on his chest pushing backwards and asked him to leave.

“I didn’t invite you here. I didn’t invite you inside. You showed up unexpectedly. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to fight with you. I just want you to leave.”

He grabbed me by the waist and stepped towards me. I forcefully tried to shove him off of me and he lunged forward and playfully bit my right titty. He was smiling and giggling and I was not. He tried to kiss me. I put both hands on his face and told him to stop. He leaned back and tried to tickle me.

“This isn’t funny and I don’t like it; please leave.”

“Give me a kiss and I’ll leave. Come on, babe. Why you being like this?”

 I shoved at his hands still clamped onto the waist of my overalls. I stomped my feet and threw my hands in a windmill motion to try and relase his grip. But he had me. I am a tough bitch, but I could not over-power him. He had me with little effort. He reached down and put his hand inside of my shorts leg and grazed my vulva. I dramatically snapped my knees together and told him to stop.

 He said “you aren’t wearing panties; just let me slide it in…”

My panic mode went into overdrive. I wanted to cry and scream and gouge his eyes out.  

I shouted, “SERIOUSLY! PLEASE STOP! I AM NOT INTERESTED. I DON’T WANT THIS. LET ME GO!”

He stepped back, still holding me by the waist, with his eyebvrows raised.

 “Oh you meant it that time?”

“I FUCKING MEANT IT THE WHOLE TIME. LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP TOUCHING ME. PLEASE GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.” I was enraged. I pushed and shoved; he gave way and started to step backwards.

“Not until you give me a kiss.”

“I am not fucking kissing you. I want you to leave.”

“Come on baby, stop being so dramatic. I’m going to come pick you up tomorrow and take you for a date like we were originally supposed to..”

“Please leave and do not ever come back to my house.”

“You so silly, baby. Give me a kiss and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I am not kissing you and no you will not.”

We were standing in the doorway again. I still had my hand on his chest pushing backwards. And the other hand was trying to shut the door. He had one hand on the door and with the other, he roughly grabbed me by the face, and then gently kissed my persed, defiant lips.

He let go of me and then door. He stepped backwards out onto my porch, so I slammed the door and deadbolted it.

Then sobbed into a heap on the livingroom floor.

The Aftermath

(tbd)

Reminder to self: any time a man says this phrase, he is actually worse.

so you are wanting to dick me down & dash?

swing by smash & swiftly speed off?

lay the love lead the leave?

penetrate me with peen & piss off?

stuff me with your sausage & scram?

My soul is so much tougher than this soft meat sack that carries it.

souls are bigger than bodies

You don’t really like me.

You don’t really know me to really like me.

You like a fable.

You like a lie.

You like the version of me that you have built in your head.

But that isn’t me.

Your eyes, your windows

Your soul peering out & into into mine

And we see

And we are seen

And it’s all that any of us truly want.

Allow me to let kisses fall like rose petals onto where wounds once were.

Let my love glisten like sunlight in gemstones onto your scars, imperfection & humanity.

Lips tender like the wings of a butterfly brushing over your shame with grace.

“He’s no different than any other guy… He loves the chase.”

“I ain’t ever broke no law ‘cept when I broke parole.”

“I ain’t never been lucky! Not one time!”

Today is the first time that I’ve watched this movie & I’m in love!

Favorite Compliments of the week-

“Is your hair just like that? OMG! Your natural curly hair is majestic.” -Lindsey on Saturday while sneaking vodka into our Jarritos at Dos Vatos Tacos

“Has anyone ever told you that you have a really sexy phone voice?” -Lee David, random customer on the phone this morning after I helped him with his insurance question

“You didn’t buy all this!? You made ALL of this art?! It looks so professional; I mean, I guess you are a professional, but, Wow! This is really impressive.” -Heath, drinking a white claw on my couch the first night I met him

Random dude on Snapchat: “Can I get one of your *pics*?😜”

Me: “… those come at a cost & I tend to want a piece of you soul in return… internet porn is so much cheaper 😉”

I could find ointment to heal her body, but her body wasn’t hurting; it was her soul that suffered, and there I could not reach.

I was visiting with my mother at work yesterday. She was finishing her last haircut appointment of the day and so I took my dog to the back for a walk.

About 15 minutes into the haircut, her client popped his head out the back door and said “I think your mother is having an emergency and needs you.“

My mother was having a stroke.

We loaded into my car and hauled ass to the emergency room. They rushed her straight back for tests and scans & then we hung out for about six hours.

They decided that they needed to transport her to the hospital downtown for an MRI. Due to recent Covid outbreaks, visiting hours stop at 8 PM and so I was unable to go with her.

I am overwhelmed. I am worried. I am helpless.

I’m getting ready to go to the hospital downtown now. I don’t know why i am writing.

“Amber, you are so independent. And you have always been so head strong. I’m so proud of you, with your cute little apartment at the beach, and a job that you love, and a degree in your passion. You know, God did that!! He did all of it. He loves you sooo…”

I cut her off. “No, Nanny. He did not. I did that.”

She gasped.

“Sky Daddy does not get credit for my thirteen years working with the same company, or my effort and dedication to my art and schoolwork. He doesn’t get thanks for my perseverance and conscious effort

Do I believe in something greater? Yes. Do I believe it’s all coincidence? Absolutely not. But one thing I definitely do not believe, is that there’s some all-knowing man in the sky orchestrating the world like a puppeteer“

She sighs.

“Nanny, I love you. And I’m sorry if this upsets you. You know that I’ve always struggled with your religion. The bible has many useful fables, but I could just never believe it all.”

“Well honey, I guess everybody believes differently.”

I am in a constant state of change like the tides of the sea.

I am never the same.

I am always the same.

I collect the days like gem colored seashells.

But they live on in the past, and therefore must be released.

Yet still appreciated for the moment that they were mine.