I am not a fan of small talk or superficial niceties. I like to converse in a manner that bears the soul; pleasantries slowly sink me.
All of this chaos makes me hopeful because change is uncomfortable and necessary.
The world is in turmoil. We’ve been locked in our homes for so long that we had no choice but to look inward. And we weren’t happy with what we saw.
Children are being gunned down in school. People of color are being murdered without warning or reason. Militarized police brutalize those they are sworn to protect. Suicides rates are at an all time high, especially in teens.
All over the home of the free, people are caged by their own fear. The land of the brave is led by a cowardly Cheetos dust covered fool spewing lies. And half of the nation is gobbling it up.
Change is on the horizon. The phoenix must first burn in order to rise from the ashes.
Why is it so fucking hard to believe in magic?
Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life that just breaks your heart?
About 8 months ago, I blocked a very dear friend on my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram and then I moved. She and I had been close friends for over a decade. We were friends through births, deaths, sadness, excitement, insanity and peace.
Lauren made me feel alive and special. She has this really cool vibe that is purely accidental. She has no idea how gorgeous or fun she is. She is a magnet for laughter and sunshine and good people. She has a daughter that is her whole world. That little warrior princess is a miracle who radiates pure joy. They are all of the beauty in the universe rolled into a perfect pair.
I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty details of the single event that transpired between us pushing me to remove her from my future. I can only tell you my side of the story and it doesn’t look good on her from my side. And I won’t speak poorly of her. Because I will always love her.
But in the end, I reacted too harshly and she thought I was judging her so she went off.
And that “off” is what pushed me over.
She is the only person who has ever spoken to me like that before. Fights with lovers were less personal. I quickly and impulsively made the decision that no one would ever speak to me like that again.
So I miss her almost daily, trying to be at peace with my decision. I am sorry for the way it ended. I am sorry that I can’t find a way to say: I love you, but I release you. Please be happy. Please be well. Please know that this isn’t what I wanted. But I don’t know if there is going back.
Well fam, this isn’t a movie. And we don’t always get the results that we hoped to have. But we do always get the results that we need. I feel like life works out how it’s supposed to one way or the other.
I made myself vulnerable and was met with a ghost. I opened myself up to someone and and it didn’t pan out how I wanted. c’est la vie.
As long as I learn a lesson then it’s no love lost, right? I mean, I honestly barely knew the guy…but, he absolutely had my full attention. I mean, I could see serious potential. But alas, he did not. It’s been humbling for sure. I haven’t felt rejected like this since 9th grade when Eric Greene dumped me for Kala Crosby (and let’s be honest, that was much more emotionally tolling).
As weird and bad as it feels, it’s almost refreshing. It’s nice to know that I can romantically care about someone else. There was a time when I didn’t think anyone else would ever get the chance to hurt me; I thought I was stuck in purgatory living the same pain over and over. Hell, it’s refreshing to feel new & different pain. It’s even been nice to miss someone else regardless of how minor.
So to be better in the future, I will be more cautious with my words. I will try and be aware when I’m acting selfishly. I will not lash out as soon as I catch small feelings for someone in attempt to self sabotage. Lessons, I am learning lessons.
When I asked if I could apologize it was really for my own sake more than yours; I am in a phase of healing and self- discovery. I acted foolishly and I’d like to acknowledge it. Also, I am nearly impossible to shut up when I have something that I need to express. So here goes… regardless of if you read this or not, I will have said it and that is enough for me.
I am a mouthy woman. It’s debatably my best and worst quality.
After clearly expressing that you were having a bad day, I turned a chance to be understanding and supportive into a petty, selfish argument. I then immediately tried to shove you into the “FWB” zone knowing that neither you or I want that. I said that I didn’t feel “courted” when I was trying to say that actual time spent and physical contact is very important to me. I am worried that you were in a long distance relationship. I don’t want to wonder- much less have to ask- when is the next time I will see you.
After I was a raging cunt and then you ignored me for 24 hours, I deleted our whole strand of texts; all of those paragraphs of connection gone in a second. I had never been ghosted and knew that I would obsess over the level of insanity that I displayed. So I accepted that I messed up and it was over.
But then you responded.
As always, you were eloquent, kind, direct, but mostly honest. You were stern. You have healthy and real boundaries. You are not about unneeded drama. It makes you all the more the desirable.
But I’ve already shown you my crazy and I think it may be too much for you. I hope not, but I really do understand if so. Even writing this; it’s just another crazy thing. But I am already pegged as a crazy, so what’s the harm? (maniacal laughter)
It’s been nine days since we spoke. I am being vulnerable. This is my Hail Mary; I am Heath Ledger singing “Can’t take my eyes off you” in 10 Things I Hate About You. I am Jim Carey running after the airplane in Liar Liar.
I like you and I am sorry.
About two years ago, I was an intern at a private horticulturist for literally one day. Bluebird Growers; I love blue birds, I love plants, I had a little time to spare and I wanted to work on my green thumb. I figured “why not?”
There was one single lesson that I remember from that day and it applies to life as much as plants. It took me until the far side of my 30th birthday to be able to understand the teaching.
The lone scientist and I were pruning lavender, mint, and a few other herbs. Trimming away the discolored leaves and buds, he began to explain how these part suck life from the plant. He said that the plant will produce new growth regardless as long as it has sun and water. However, if we remove the ailing parts, then the plant can harness this energy in a more positive, productive manner.
The most important lesson that I must currently learn is to simply trust the journey. When we release the parts that we are fighting to hold on, we realize that fighting wastes energy, even if it’s in the name of something we perceive as positive.
Trust the journey. Let it be. Que Sera, Sera!
Thank you, Libby from 2-D Design for that advice; I don’t think you know how tightly I will forever hold onto that little gem.
It is my new worry stone, tucked deep into the miniature watch pocket of my favorite faded blue jeans.
When I am doubtful, unsure, and feel like I can’t meet my own goddamned unreasonable expectations, I pull this pale little gem out (in my mind’s eye) and run my fingers over the smooth surface of it’s comfort.
“Done is better than perfect.”
Most people won’t even take the time to do the damned thing. It’s the same sentiment as “You’re lapping everyone who is on the couch.”
Just doing it is the battle.
Do what you can. Do your best. And move the fuck on.
I have loved you like I have never loved another. For years I waited and waited on you to figure out your issues with addiction so that we could progress in our relationship. You won the battle against opiates and I will forever respect you for it. I have learned so much from you. You know most of the best and worst parts of me. I will always care for you and love your heart and soul. I will always wish the best for you. I will always be your friend. I will always be there if you need an ally.
The time has finally come for our paths to part. In the end, we want different things. I’m not endgame for you. Go find your, Rachel. I’ll find my Ross.
Yo! I finally fucking did it!
I couldn’t change my mindset, so I changed my situation! Holy shit!
It wasn’t easy. It felt good, then bad, then good again, then awful, and now I can’t believe that it took me so damned long.
I could layer on some bullshit about how Ty and I didn’t communicate well… how we drifted apart. But that would be vague and unclear. And I’m a truth teller. So the truth is that he is in a sea of depression soaked whiskey, swirling down the drain of self-pity and isolation. He doesn’t think he wants any more kids unless it just happens and isn’t sure about marriage. I don’t want to “trap” someone into a future with me. I don’t want a life pickled in a whiskey bottle. Then he had this weird almost kind of a thing with some lonely hoe and that was pretty much all she wrote. I knew I had to get out of there.
So I moved to the beach, getting closer to the ocean hoping that the salt air would dry the fresh wounds on my heart.
I feel calmer now. I feel freer. I feel like I am getting back to the things that make me happy. I am gardening and organizing and painting furniture and walking my dog to the beach and spending time contemplating the meaning of life while staring out over the thundering ocean. I am painting my toenails once a week. I’m ingesting more water and fruits and veggies. I am living more. I am working harder. I am drinking less.
I am excited for all that is to come.
P.S. Ty considered cheating on me with a trash bag named Rachel (who knew me and acted kind to my face) right there at the end which is why the last line of my break-up note is so goddamned good to me and probably under-appreciated by you.
I need to focus on my own demons.
I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and sloth and get motivated towards the future.
I need to let go of worry, anxiety, and self-defeating doubt.
I need to accept that failure is not only a possibly, but an inevitability.
I need to grasp that failure is no failure if I have grown and learned.
I need to breathe in the joy of life around me.
I need to remember that I am but one expression of the human experience.
I need to acknowledge that I am always both alone and in a crowd.
I need to absorb something good for my mind.
I need to move, groove and shake a little something on my body.
I need to appreciate my friends and family more.
I need to meditate on uplifting thoughts for my soul.
I need to put positive action into work.
I need to find something to give me back my spark for life.
I need some serious soul searching, therapy, and meditation.
So in case my posts haven’t demonstrated for you, allow me say it:
I AM A FLAKE.
Or at least that is how it seems from the outside… but, in all honesty, it’s more like I am constantly evolving or shifting my perspective and ideas.
My opinions and thoughts behave like water; they ebb and flow with my moods. Some are unyielding ice while others are quickly fleeting steam.
(Also, I have these mad depressive episodes which prohibit me from normal human contact due to wild amounts of anxiety.)
Plus, I am kind of a flake… so what?!
Hoping to be back sooner than last time!
(but not promising anything because I refuse to give you anymore fucking ammunition to call me a flake… okay?!?)
I have found a new passion.
I am in love with ceramics. I can’t get enough.
I do extra projects at home just to try my hand at a new form.
After my introduction to hand building ceramics about three months ago, I knew that I had found a new obsession that will forever be part of my life; daily if I can help it. I’ve dove in head first and elbow deep, spending countless hours researching multiple modern ceramic artists for inspiration.
I personally try to create art with humor. I enjoy surrealism, especially grotesque and odd, figurative sculptures. I like modern & strange works of art, some are daunting, some are whimsical; all have a surreal feel about them.
“V’s Nuts” is an Original Clay Sculpture by Amber R. Maddox 💘
First Coil Piece for Ceramics Hand-building 1 Assignment: Fertility Ritual Vase
In the Greenware state- barely leather hard.
Can’t wait to fire this baby up and glaze it!
In progress… more to come 💋
from me to you.
It seems that the only time that I want to talk to you is when my life is awry and I need the open ear of no one and everyone all at once.
I am a mess.
Do I tell you that I have been trying to find the right anti-anxiety medication for weeks since complications with my usual one and now it just feels like a really fucked up guessing game?
My 4.0 GPA is waving goodbye as my social anxiety sets in making my ADD less manageable, my work less quality and my attendance less likely. I have spent the whole class period in the parking lot of the school with my hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel unable to convince myself to enter the building. I find every reason to put off the assignments until sheer panic sets in and I frantically try to come up with something that looks presentable.
But then I should be doing homework right now, shouldn’t I? 😳
It has been so long since I’ve written that it feels like I have lived a hundred lives & changed a thousand times.
My opinions on life and love and hate and drugs and mental illness and sanity and God and the universe and my past and my future all seem to ebb and flow unruly as the sea.
Today I am new. Today I am different. I may not always make new choices, but how I think on them will be.
Each grain of sand collecting together, building what will have been my life.