I could find ointment to heal her body, but her body wasn’t hurting; it was her soul that suffered, and there I could not reach.
I was visiting with my mother at work yesterday. She was finishing her last haircut appointment of the day and so I took my dog to the back for a walk.
About 15 minutes into the haircut, her client popped his head out the back door and said “I think your mother is having an emergency and needs you.“
My mother was having a stroke.
We loaded into my car and hauled ass to the emergency room. They rushed her straight back for tests and scans & then we hung out for about six hours.
They decided that they needed to transport her to the hospital downtown for an MRI. Due to recent Covid outbreaks, visiting hours stop at 8 PM and so I was unable to go with her.
I am overwhelmed. I am worried. I am helpless.
I’m getting ready to go to the hospital downtown now. I don’t know why i am writing.
“Amber, you are so independent. And you have always been so head strong. I’m so proud of you, with your cute little apartment at the beach, and a job that you love, and a degree in your passion. You know, God did that!! He did all of it. He loves you sooo…”
I cut her off. “No, Nanny. He did not. I did that.”
“Sky Daddy does not get credit for my thirteen years working with the same company, or my effort and dedication to my art and schoolwork. He doesn’t get thanks for my perseverance and conscious effort
Do I believe in something greater? Yes. Do I believe it’s all coincidence? Absolutely not. But one thing I definitely do not believe, is that there’s some all-knowing man in the sky orchestrating the world like a puppeteer“
“Nanny, I love you. And I’m sorry if this upsets you. You know that I’ve always struggled with your religion. The bible has many useful fables, but I could just never believe it all.”
“Well honey, I guess everybody believes differently.”
I am in a constant state of change like the tides of the sea.
I am never the same.
I am always the same.
I collect the days like gem colored seashells.
But they live on in the past, and therefore must be released.
Yet still appreciated for the moment that they were mine.
I haven’t been writing because the waves have been crashing hard lately.
I haven’t been here in years.
You can tell by the state of my house: my laundry is piling up, my dishes are unwashed, and my trash needs to be taken out, my floors need to be swept, my homework needs to be done, my shower needs to be scrubbed, my sculptures need to be finished, my sheets need to be washed, my nails need to be painted, my legs need to be shaved, and so on and so forth.
I have been obsessing over the toils of capitalism on our humanity and how fucked up our society remains. I have been thinking of my depleting egg count and how picky I am with partners. I am looking for a feeling that I haven’t felt; a type of connection that I don’t even know exists. I have been questioning the meaning of life and what souls are made of and how to “level up”.
I make bad choices because I feel bad; I feel bad because I make bad choices.
is a lot like masturbation
It may feel good at the time
but in the end
you’re only screwing yourself.
“Art is curiosity and action, and anything worth doing is worth doing poorly rather than not at all.”
tired, but not sleepy.
lonely, but alone by choice.
hoping that my family is having a good week. They are on my mind more than I let them know.
stressing about work tomorrow; things are seriously awry in the P&C insurance industry in Florida.
worrying about the unprotected sex that I had this weekend.
thinking of the sculpting that I started today; I completed almost two feet on my vulva inspired chiminea. But I have a long way to go.
praying that I pass the Spanish class that I am currently enrolled in for my degree.
unsure how to believe in myself and my art.
feeling like I can never work hard enough no matter how long or hard I work.
wondering if everyone feels this way.
1. If they say phrases like “keeping it casual” or “options open” it’s because they are already sleeping with someone else. And that’s cool, just act & set your boundaries accordingly.
2. If you behave like an asshole, even once jokingly, then they have the right to never speak to you again. And it’s probably for the best.
3. If it feels like they are love-bombing you, they are. If it feels like too much too fast, it is. Love is a marathon not a sprint.
4. The nice guy isn’t really the nice guy if he doesn’t respect your boundaries. Let him be.
5. Don’t drink too much too soon. It’s just not a good look.
6. Some people won’t get the best version of you. You won’t always get the best version of them. Give grace, get grace.
7. Don’t be superficial; go with your gut & let them go when it doesn’t feel genuine (even if they had shoulders or tits sculpted by the hands of God).
8. Women take rejection by ghosting; men take rejection by acting confused and then angry.
“Women will always be at the mercy of men’s power”
“it’s not your power we’re at the mercy of, it’s your weakness”
This past Tuesday, after a long day of work, I wandered into a brand new little family owned liquor store in my neighborhood to get my favorite beer, Wild Little Thing by Sierra Nevada.
I tossed the sixer onto the counter and the cashier smiled and asked for my ID. Being a solid decade over the legal drinking age, I am always delighted at an ID request.
I handed him the card and he said, “Wow! You look young! I mean, you are young, but you look younger!”
“Thank you so much! You are only as young as you feel, right? Just don’t tell my back or my knees.” I smiled and responded.
“How old do you think I am?” he asked.
I looked him up and down and assumed that he was probably in his early fifties, but I like to be kind so I said, “Umm… about 42, I guess?”
“OH! Well… actually… I just turned 34…”
My mouth dropped and for some reason I said, “No way!” so he proceeded to pull out his ID to show me the year he was born…
My voice, which is usually quite deep and raspy took a much higher pitch and I began to walk backwards facing him, screeching something like, “Well the gray in your beard makes you look distinguished…”
I have never wanted to do the Michigan J. Frog top-hat, leg kick dance out of a place so badly.
And so now I can never go back there again.
Disclaimer: This is a fairly short research paper/project which I submitted for my Apocalypse in Medieval Art History course for my undergrad this past semester.
“You’ll believe God is a woman.” Ariana Grande’s assertion in her catchy, pop tune is a bold one, but not too far from the scholars and artists that created the illuminated manuscripts (and other artworks) during Medieval times. They may not have directly portrayed the Lord as a woman, but they clearly acknowledge that the pussy is a portal to heaven. Much of the imagery themed around Christianity from that period has the same icon repeated: God appearing from a yonic shaped entry to nirvana.
This idea first occurred on image five of the assigned manuscripts this semester. In the top center of the picture, we see our regal Lord seated on a large throne wearing a prominent, golden crown and flowing, purple robes. One could argue that the folds of the fabric may reference folding lips of a labia. Yahweh is framed by a thin red & white lined, but primarily golden edged yoni or mandorla filled with a rich, bloody red background which hints to a fertile, lined uterus or mensuration. Of the seven lanterns hanging at the top of the image, one falls perfectly in place of a clitoris pointedly framed by the throne. The scripture referencing this image reads, “and, behold, a door was opened in heaven” and then the next verse, “a throne was set in heaven” (KJV Rev 4:1 & 2).
As seen above and below, six of the twenty three images from the assigned manuscripts- a fifteenth century Flemish Apocalypse in the Bibliothèque nationale de France (shelfmark Néerlandais 3), are distinctly similar and reflect my theory that the vagina is a portal to paradise. Some of the images are move ovular, some have fleshy tones instead of bloody, but they are all undeniably alike- yonic in shape and fleshy or bloody in color.
A prior art history course lent an old textbook or two, and with luck I found a few more examples to support my hypothesis. Scouring through the Medieval art section of my eighth edition Janson’s History of Art, I came across the following rendition of the final judgement on page 132 and then a similar image of Jesus in a girly shaped gateway on page 355. In both of these images, Jesus fills up the yonic shape appearing from heaven.
I took to the internet and stumbled onto more examples from the 11th to the 14th centuries which confirmed my suspicions as seen on the following:
Having found a number of examples illuminating the path to heaven, I felt inspired enough to begin my creative process, sketching ideas surrounding a vaginal shaped portal. I wanted it to feel dreamy. I chose to maintain the bright blue and magentas found in the references. Clay is my primary medium, but with my recent expanding into mixed media sculpts, I wanted to bc over the top with gold, gems, and silk and candle wax.
I threw slabs, cut, and assembled then added texture to my piece. I pierced the form so that I could add a draping fabric feature. I dried, and bisque fired to convert the clay form into a permanent ceramic substance- mine was a thirty-six hour firing with a ten hour cooling time. I used watercolors and acrylic paints to add dimension and color to the sculpt. I sanded the piece so that the bright colors would slightly fade and the texture become more prominent. I applied the gems and chains with epoxy creating a jeweled lined entryway. I threaded the fishing line then wove the fabric into the piece reflective of the flowing fabric of the lords robes (as well as the folds of a vulva). Upon the base of the form, I melted three fleshy toned candles to reference the holy trinity and candles burning upon the altars at which we worship.
I decided against creating my own God, feeling that the piece didn’t need Him. Heaven awaits either way.
Apocalipsis in dietsche Source: gallica.bnf.fr Bibliothèque nationale de France, Département des Manuscrits, Néerlandais 3, fol. 5, 6, 8, 11, 18, 22 r. Accessed April 15, 2021.
Janson’s History of Art: the Western Tradition. 8th ed., Prentice Hall, 2011. pg. 132, 355 Accessed April 9, 2021.
“Prepare to Meet Your Doom.” Medieval Manuscripts Blog. Accessed April 12, 2021. https://blogs.bl.uk/digitisedmanuscripts/2014/02/prepare-to-meet-your-doom.html.
“What Is It Bamberg Apocalypse. Encyclopedia.” En.google. Accessed April 15, 2021. https://amp.en.google-info.in/2828962/1/bamberg-apocalypse.html.
This pot is over here just a simmerin’! It’s about to boil over!
Well then stir it, boo.
Release some of that steam; fuck politeness.
It would be so easy to stay wrapped in the lonely arms of the Big Sad coiled into the bottom of my hole coddling this bottle of red wine. An old-fashioned cobblestone well which is now run dry, it lies atop a picturesque hill in the far corner of my mind.
I have been here so many times that there is an Amber-shaped imprint in the dried mud, about two inches deep and curled into the fetal position.
I feel the plump meat of my cheeks gently cradle the bones of my face as I rest onto the cool earth.
I take a slow, steady, deep breath of the musky dampness and think, “this is what it must feel like to be dead, minus the breathing thing.”
I drift in and out of consciousness, fantasizing about the end of all of my problems.
Just as I start to forget it’s a fantasy, the voice of my sweet Laura sings me back to life, “Are you awake, my lovely? It’s going to be ok.”
I am still here.
Moments pass and my darling Carmen chimes in with a sentiment like, “Stay grateful, beautiful, you are so loved.”
I tell her that I am trying and failing.
I know that there are a million reasons why I should keep on, but when my rose colored glasses crack, the world shows me deeper shades of blue than I ever knew existed.
I still remember how the light looks.
In the past, I have forgotten. Hiding myself away for so long that the glow seems foreign and almost painful.
But I haven’t been in the dark so long this time… I must beware; I don’t want to forget & lose it again.