Amber’s Attempt at Adulting

I have had enough. I just want to get back out and see the sunshine.

Once again, I am finding myself at the bottom of that old familiar cobblestone well in the far corner of my mind.

My eyes have well adjusted to the dark and I am staring at the imprint of myself in dried mud. At least I am no longer lying down with my flesh pressed into the earth. I am upright, if hunched over & just barely.

But this is the hard part.

Once I have decided to rise from the dead, I have to figure out how.

I don’t bring a rope or ladder when I fall into the well; I only get out by clawing my way to the top, sheer willpower.

But I am still tired. It would be so much easier if I were to just lay back down.

My arms were supposed to be solace, gathering her soft flesh and salty tears. But she couldn’t feel my warmth. The cold from her pain was deeper than my reach.

“Once an idea hits you right, you are irrevocably changed.”

-Georgina, The Great S2 E9

I’m better in person than online.

I overthink the curated version of me; I like me raw and unfiltered.

Can we hold each other and forget that it is not love? No expectations. No future.

I’ll use you & you use me and we will be happy in our short lived, make-believe bliss.

It’s only going to last a day, our fake fleeting feelings..

But doesn’t it feel good? The flesh. The warmth. The soft.

It’s difficult to connect anymore so we make the most of it.

Even if it’s only superficial & for tonight.

Give a man a chance to, and he’ll miss you.

I hate the negative stigma associated with the word ignorant.

I am ignorant on many subjects.

We are all “lacking knowledge, information, or awareness” about certain things.

I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that we each have blind spots. We always have more to learn.

I thought that I owned my power.

But he smiled as he took it away.

He jested. I protested.

He pushed the door open, progressing forward.

I dug my nails in his chest and pushed back.

And he taunted and tickled me and tugged at my clothing.

Over and over, louder and louder, I told him to stop touching me and leave my house.

He smiled. I shouted.

I am 32. I am a grown ass, confident woman. I live alone. I pay my own bills. I manage an insurance brokerage. I have a degree.

How was it so easy?

How have I built this facade of safety?

Bad feelings are valid, too.

Sadness, anger, fear, regret, disgust are all part of the human condition.

So feel them.

Don’t guilt yourself for showing and possessing a spectrum of emotion.

Reminder to self: any time a man says this phrase, he is actually worse.

My soul is so much tougher than this soft meat sack that carries it.

souls are bigger than bodies

You don’t really like me.

You don’t really know me to really like me.

You like a fable.

You like a lie.

You like the version of me that you have built in your head.

But that isn’t me.

Your eyes, your windows

Your soul peering out & into into mine

And we see

And we are seen

And it’s all that any of us truly want.

Allow me to let kisses fall like rose petals onto where wounds once were.

Let my love glisten like sunlight in gemstones onto your scars, imperfection & humanity.

Lips tender like the wings of a butterfly brushing over your shame with grace.