Author: Amber💘

We buried my mother’s brother, my Uncle Mike yesterday. He passed from Covid-19 and pneumonia. He was an old fashioned cowboy and preacher, but also funny, kind, strong. His absence was unexpected and will be felt by hundreds.

My mother wasn’t able to attend the memorial due to being diagnosed with the Vid herself on Wednesday along with my little sister and little brother. They are all faring well so far, thank goodness.

The eulogy at the funeral was given by short pink faced man with a white rim and wiry mustache who claimed to be filled with the spirit. He shouted about the last supper and seeing my uncle again in heaven. “This bread is my body and this wine is my blood” he spoke on ritual cannibalism.

My giggles were literally masked, thank goodness. I checked my text messages on my phone to avoid laughing out of discomfort. Within those sixteen missed text messages, a friendship burned and my bookclub died.

I lost an uncle, a friendship and my gang at the start of the day.

that’s it.

this feels like a better decision.

They say when one door closes a window opens, or something like that…

But I’m not looking for an escape.

I think it would be good for me to allow the doors & windows to remain shut for the time being.

I shall sit in the still air upon my rudimentary wooden chair, staring at the white walls, learning to revel in the silence & solidarity of it all.

I don’t feel sad anymore. I understand.

I have a verrrrry particular brand of bitchy. This is not everyone’s niche of nuts, a quite specific style of psycho, if you will.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Courtroom:

Please, for the love of goddess, stop insisting that you are into “crazy” unless you are prepared for the repercussions. You asked for it?!

Furthermore, don’t claim to be kinky unless you are prepared to prove it.

When I mouth off and act like a sassy little cunt, it’s usually for one of three reasons: I am PMSing, ovulating OR in need of attention. I will say some motherfucking outlandish shit when my hormones are off or if I feel neglected.

Cheat Code: A real good fuck, cuddle, and then snack usually resolves all of my attitude problems.

Adjourned!

I’m trying very hard to be gentle with myself. I am struggling because I feel so foolish. I was so exposed and vulnerable. I have never bared my raw soul so soon.

I made a mistake; I wholly gave my trust to a stranger and he wasn’t worthy.

It never happens like this; I am usually so much more vigilant. I don’t give away little pieces of my heart so carelessly.

He felt different; I felt different.

But I was wrong.

“What is your goal here?” I asked. “What results are you seeking?”

“I just want you to come to me for everything.”

What does it mean to live authentically?

i’m actually asking.

We tend to measure the value of our relationships by time.

If we spend a great length of time with someone, then the relationship must’ve been important or successful. In that same sentiment, if a relationship lasts for a short period, then it must hold less worth or be less valuable.

My baby soul sister, Bradi, is kind, deep, & wise far beyond her twenty-one earthly years. In fact, she has only been in my life for about one & a half years. Yet she has affected & changed me in so many positive and important ways.

One of the greatest golden nuggets of insight that she has ever bestowed was this: relationships, love & life are made of experiences. They are supposed to be temporary.

Part of the human condition is that it ends. All of it. And we never know when or how long we have.

So the important stuff boils down to: the moments that changed you, little lumps of collected minutes where joy shined from the inside, the times you were raw, honest, and vulnerable no matter the response, the times where you persevered through your fear and came out better for the effort: the experiences, no matter how fleeting.

I am salt.

I add flavor to just about anyone; I mix & mingle with ease.

Now don’t get used to me or you may want too much. And then you’ll end up bloated with high blood pressure.

You only need a dash because I can be overwhelming sometimes. But I’m a great addition to something savory and I’ll even enhance your sweetness.

But salt is a just seasoning & could never be sustenance.

Hindsight is 20/20 and 2020 has been pretty shitty all around, just like my attitude.

This blog is my safe space. It is not for considering your feelings. It is for expressing mine. If my feelings will impact yours, then avert your eyes because I will carelessly puke out a bit of honesty about myself without hesitation all over this page. This is your warning henceforth.

I think I have been drinking too much lately, forever seeking that familiar numbness. See, I fucking love self-sabotage; it is safer than actually trying and then failing.

Self-realization is such a bitch; in addition to being impatient and impulsive, it turns out that I am reactive and petty. When I feel triggered or neglected, I lash out in a negative manner. I look back, usually the next day (sometimes it takes me two days) and feel so ashamed. Then I spiral overthinking about everything that I did and said. Isn’t that so healthy?

Too hot. Too cold.

Love is never goldilocks.

Lonely winter won’t wait.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t have trust to give yet. I’m moody and unsure…maybe even insecure about nothing & everything all at once.

How deep is your patience?

I am jaded at the thought of love. So much that I’m not even sure if it is something that I want anymore, at least not romantically. I have the real enduring love of my friends and family. Partners & lovers of the sort are just waiting to disappoint.

I’ve never had a young soul, but now my heart and mind have both slightly aged as well. There are hints of real wisdom starting to form. I can’t full-heartedly throw myself onto a situation like I did in my youth. I now belong to me first. I want to belong to me first; I lost myself before when I didn’t.

I am not a fan of small talk or superficial niceties. I like to converse in a manner that bears the soul; pleasantries slowly sink me.